Re: OOC Thread
An Apology from Incubus
I'm sorry to do this a second time, but I'm afraid RotA will not be continuing. Sadly, this has little to do with the game itself, it has been a pleasure to run and I was until somewhat recently enjoying myself a lot. However, my passion has all but died out.
To sound cliche, it's not you, it's me. Although in this context, the 'you' refers to ulmf, rather than the players here specifically. Once again, I have grown tired of this place and how it treats me and so once again I will be departing. Perhaps the saddest part here is the reasoning for my departure is more or less identical of that of last time, only this time I feel like expressing myself further.
To be frank, I am tired of the way I am treated here. I am, at heart, a very caring person, quick to form strong attachments to others and before long come to care about them a great deal. I am quick to offer condolences and support and am genuinely upset when others aren't feeling their best. Sadly, the same cannot be said for most, both here and in general. So while I am quick to offer a sympathetic ear, even to people I may not necessarily like, I seldom seem to receive much in return in those times where I feel less than perfect.
Something not many people figure out about me is that I'm rarely vocal about the things that are really upsetting me, instead I'll pick some other often unrelated issue and vent my feelings through that. This habit of mine, however, tends to have a result of people growing tired of me moaning about things that really aren't that bad. Sadly, the reality is that things aren't that great.
I live a very lonely existence, my father died last year, a fact I still haven't really accepted. I have very little contact with any family and what little contact I do have tends to go sour before long. I have a very small group of real friends and pass through other areas simply getting along with people. The heart of it is some serious trust issues; far too often, earlier in life, I confided or trusted in someone only to have it thrown back in my face and as a result. This may seem paradoxical to my quickness to attach to people, in truth it must be, but people are paradoxical in nature. The reality is that I quickly form attachments to people, but at the same time I keep myself at a distance, never letting people get too close to me.
Sometimes, I can no longer pretend to myself that I'm fine with this. The reality is almost unbearable. I can count the number of people I feel I can truly depend on with a single hand. What's worse is it seems every time I try to form a deep bond with another person, it ends up falling apart disastrously. It happened earlier this year with Winter, but the worst one was when it happened a few years ago and thanks to someone's little social games and fun, I was demoted and almost lost my job of the time for a false sexual harassment claim. I don't mention that here normally, because it's too easy to make a bad joke out of. And just because I'd managed to not outright lose it, didn't mean I didn't quit shortly afterwards; having your bosses and co-workers look at you like monster will have that effect.
Which I think is a nice segue into another area where I dislike my treatment. Due to my choice of name and a bit of clout I admittedly formed myself, I tend to be seen as something of a sexual predator. At least two years ago, even a year ago, I was at least active enough that it might warrant some truth, but lately I seldom do ero rps. Yet still, I get treated by many like any request for affection is me trying to get my rocks off. No, I clearly don't want some form of human affection, I'm just after quick self satisfaction. I'll be the first to say that sex is fun, but sometimes I just want to be held gently and told it'll be okay. Is it wrong to expect this from an online community? Probably. But I don't really have many other places I can go. The real irony behind this is most of the time lately, I've used that sex appeal to try and get affection, the exact opposite of what people seem to keen to think about me.
The final area which I was inevitably going to touch on, was just plain people avoiding me. It's become increasingly common in the world in general for people to avoid or ignore things they don't want to deal with, and there's nothing that fuels the bad feelings above like walking into an active shoutbox and watching people disappear. Watching people ignore my attempts to talk to them, others to fall silent and everyone to leave. Maybe they all just left, to do other things, you say? Ah, but Sin just got online and sure enough, everyone appears out of the woodwork to greet her. If this happened once or twice, I too might sum it up to a coincidence, but it is not an infrequent occurrence. Obviously, this last area is not everyone, there are some people who'll even make an effort to notice me, but far too many who actively avoid me, often for reasons I don't understand. Others likely do so because I'm irritated at them for avoiding me. After all, many acknowledge that I'm actually quite pleasant to be around when I'm in a good mood.
Now, some might wonder why the solution would not be to simply avoid/ignore the shoutbox and just focus on the RPs, but frankly, I roleplay for as much the social aspect as the game itself. I don't RP online in most other places because it just doesn't have enough of the OOC side of things (and also because of the massive amounts of powergaming twits, but that's a separate issue). It's been a common problem when I GM, that I feel people only talk to me about the game I'm running and sure, it is a common area and something to talk about, but at the same time when that's all the occurs, I end up feeling like I'm just being used for others entertainment, regardless of how untrue that fact is. And in this case in particularly, all of the biggest offenders towards to discontent are not players in my game while many of the people who actually try to involve me and talk to me are players.
I wish that were enough, but I simply cannot find the will to continue this game.
All in all, this likely comes across as very self indulgent and pompous drivel. But that's the reason I post it here, I suppose. If I were to post it in the Everything Else area, I would be torn apart by a group of members here. Some actively hate me, and look for any excuse to tear me down or attack me. Others simply look for any post like this one and tear it apart, because it's what they do. And some others simply jump in because everyone else is doing it and it's trendy to jump on an anti-inky bandwagon.
I'm not sure if I'll be back or not. Last time I was hurt and angry, clouded by the pains of losing a father I had never been too close to, and the guilt that comes with such a realisation. This time, I am still burdened by such feelings, but I am not angry. Just hurt, sad and so very lonely. Perhaps in time I shall grow bored and wander back to seek distractions, but at this moment in time I fear such instances will just end the same way they have now. Ulmf will not change and I do not seek to change ulmf.
In this instance, I simply wish those who were closest to understand why.
