Re: Fallout 3: F.P.R Mod
Kay, this is the second run through, and as would be expected there is still an error or two I can find.
(Message Box 1)
The dog then licks over your womanhood, it's warm, drooly tongue sending a pleasant sensation throughout your sex; you become a bit wetter, excited, as the dog continues to lick over your sex a few more times... Then he moves his head up a bit, and with a small hop, you feel him place his frontpaws on your back. After a few shuffling motions, it’s chest weighs down on you as well..."
This is one I'm not too sure on... Perhaps Pale can help? I know that 'it's' is supposed to be 'its' when talking about possession, but I can't help but think that 'it' is a noun in these instances and that they are referring to 'The noun's object'.
(Message Box 3)
You soon realise why the dog stopped moving; near the base of his cock, his knot begins to swell. You writhe slightly as the thick length grows even thicker at that specific location, causing you to groan softly as you're locked in place with your companion. Shortly after the knotting is complete, the dog makes another thrust into your warm, wet sex, which makes a wet noise as he impales you upon his cock,
Underline: used wet twice too fast.
Italics: the flow of ideas seems to go 'he thrusts inside you, as he thrusts inside you your sex makes a wet noise'
Fix: 'the dog begins to push into your warm sex, which makes a wet noise as his cock impales you,'
(That was a rather major change to the sentence, but all the lesser changes I tried just sounded wrong.)
(Message Box 3)
You writhe, moan and groan as your companion satisfies you both, but the more he thrusts, the rougher it is, the deeper each thrust goes into your sex - and the more pleasure you feel.
Italics 1: There's nothing grammatically wrong with the phrase, it just doesn't work that well in being ero-ero. I can't find any way to keep the meaning ('both you and the dog are being pleasured') and have it sound erotic; the only ways I could think of to make it arousing did not mention the dog. 'Pleasures you' is probably the best of the ones I came up with; 'stimulates you' and various other euphemisms for 'fucks you' will work as well. (The best of my ideas that did involve the dog was 'your companion's cock brings mutual pleasure' which, to me, still doesn't sound right.)
Italics 2: I'm rather embarrassed about this one, actually; it was caused because I changed something and was probably better before I changed it.
Just make it 'the deeper each thrust goes into your sex, and the more pleasure you feel'.
As you stand there on all fours, trying to catch your breath, he gives your wet, cum-stained folds a warm, drooly lick, causing further shivers to course throughout your body... it takes some time before you regain yourself and get clothed.
This should be 'it is some time before you regain yourself and get clothed.’
Only five mistakes from the second run through, and three or four of them were just semantics... that's pretty damn good, RK. The third check might actually find no errors at all, which is one search earlier than I would expect... That's when we move onto the beta phase, having another few people read and comment on the story; making sure the general public find it as interesting and complete as I myself do, and fixing anything they find unusual. Of course, this may not be as easy or necessary to use on a hentai story for a mod than a fully-fledged story.
