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Untitled (for now)


S u r i

Grim Reaper
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Preface

Emotions. They make up the core of being a human being. They determine our thoughts, our actions, our words, our choices. Everything. We've come to live in a world where emotions are what basically run our lives. Sure, logic exists. But even circumstances where logical decisions are needed are rife with emotions. Some people would call that a bad thing. But is it, really? When you feel, you are experiencing what it means to be alive. What it means to exist. What it means to be a human being. Feelings aren't something you can throw away. They're not something that can be discarded like today's newspaper. But they're not something you should always keep to yourself. There are times when you just have to let it all out, have a cry or two...or flash a smile...or lash out in anger. However, some emotions just aren't right during some occasions. You, as a person, need to determine those kinds of things.

Time. It's constantly moving. And it's constantly moving forward. That's what it means to relative, it's never one time ever again. The moments that you spend reading this preface, assuming you're even reading it, is a time that will never happen again. Everything you do occurs at a specific time, and everything happening around you occurs at a specific time. It's not something you can avoid, ever. For those of you that want to prove me wrong, let me know how that goes in about an hour. Like emotions, much of our lives revolve around time. When were you born? What time is it now? What time is your next class? What time do you have to get to work? What time is your date? When is your wedding? What time were those reservations? When is your child's birthday? And, though no one ever really knows this, when will your life end? Time is important, and it's good to cherish when you can. Time is a gift given to you, and it would be a pity to waste such a splendid gift.

People. Yes, people. You interact with people for a good chunk of your life. Be it your parents, your siblings, classmates, teachers, principals, friends, coworkers, employers, your lover, etc. In person, or through a computer or phone. You deal with people most of your life. Socialization is a very important part of a growing human being, and it's something that shouldn't be skipped out on. The people you choose to surround yourself with determine a lot things in your life. Perhaps you choose to hang out with the wrong crowd and end up in prison, wasting precious time thinking about the choices you've made. Maybe your crowd was more lively and productive in a legal sense, and you gain friends and have good times and make good memories with them. It's ultimately up to you to decide who your “people” will be.

There will always times when it seems like these three components just don't fit well together. Sometimes they'll fit perfectly together, and things will go rather smoothly for you. There will come a time when you feel that one, or perhaps all, of these components are...absent. Sometimes you won't know what to feel. There are times when time isn't on your side. And there are times when there is truly no one there for you. What are you to do when something like that happens? Well, that's up to you. As you read this, I implore you look at your own life and see just exactly what you've done with it. Some of you may see that you've done absolutely nothing in retrospect, some of you may dote on the smaller things you've accomplished, a lot of you will have trouble looking back at certain things. And I reckon quite a few of you will want to relive a few years of your life...
 
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S u r i

S u r i

Grim Reaper
Joined
May 22, 2011
Messages
429
Reputation score
18
Re: Untitled (for now)

Prologue

There I was, laying on my bed with the dim lights showering my room with its dull glow. It was unusually silent. The drip dripping of the faucets, the blowing of fans, the sound of the air conditioning...all gone even though I knew they were still there. Even the hum of my laptop was strangely absent. I laid there, staring up at a ceiling with that had nothing for me on it. My stare appeared to be a blank one. Dull, filled with disinterest. But the people closest to me would know that would be only a false glaze. A pointless coloring to my stare. A garnish added only for looks and aesthetic purpose. No, my stare was far from dull. Far from being a blank slate void of emotion. At depth, I was staring at the ceiling with an agonizing pain within me. A pain so great that I wouldn't be able to answer a nurse asking me what level of pain I was feeling. This wasn't a pain that would be subsiding after taking a Tylenol or some other pain killer, over the counter or not. Soon my vision grew blurry and wavering, my lower lip coming to a very troubled tremble.

As the tears cascaded down the side of my face, my mind was filled with various memories. Good, bad, random, trivial, significant, all of it. Eventually I sat up at the edge of my bed, hunched over and staring at the floor. It didn't take long for the waters of sadness to drop from my chin to the floor of my room. I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I wanted to punch something, but I didn't. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't. I wanted to cry, and I actually did. My emotions were getting the best of me for once. I couldn't control them this time, and personally...I didn't want to. I always kept my emotions in check when dealing with things, no matter how much dismay it may have brought people around me. But now it was different. I think I deserved to let go for once. It didn't come without a price to pay, though. As the tears fled from my eyes, my strength began to leave me as well. I felt like I was becoming weaker and weaker with every tear shed. I started to feel slightly dizzy, and had an aching pain in my chest.

The pain didn't subside, and neither did the tears. Eventually, though, I mustered enough strength to get up from my bed and walk to my bathroom. After turning on the faucet I cupped my hands underneath the running cold water and lowered my face to the basin. I splashed my face with the water, rubbing my damp face gently. I closed my eyes and calmed myself down, refusing to let this thing beat me. After I felt pretty tranquil, I turned off the faucet and looked at myself in the mirror. My reflection showed me a beaten, dying, miserable excuse of a human being. A person that looked like he might as well meet the Big Guy upstairs earlier than expected. Though he wouldn't be climbing those stairs to meet him. I looked at my reflection and scowled, Pathetic, I thought to myself. Utterly pathetic.

You let one thing get to you, and now you're a fucking mess. What's gotten into you, Suri? my mind, rather a voice in my mind told me. I originally didn't like this voice, but it always had its own way of getting me on the right track. And before I knew it, the voice was a pretty good confidante of mine.

Get your head straight, you moron. You ain't gonna get anything done if you just sit around and sulk. Get it together! Or maybe you really have given up? I guess it seems about right, though. Your life never did amount to anything, now that I think about it. You're a human being without a purpose. Fuck, you don't even live. You exist.

My eyes furrowed lightly as the voice continued to speak to me. My face dripping wet from the little washdown I gave it before. I turned to the towel and patted my face dry, the voice still berating me with its love. I sighed and walked to from my room to my front door, key in hand. Being at home wasn't gonna do anything for me, so I thought I'd take a walk. And out the front door I went.


My eyes passed over other houses. They were in the colorful spectrum of gray and grayer, an almost eerie sign of a coming storm. I went back into my house and grabbed my black raincoat and scarf, locking the door behind me before I walked off. I didn't have a particular destination in mind, just wanted to walk off this rut of despair and misery. Even so, the voice kept on going.

Just give up...

I passed up a park during my walk, a flush of memories filled my head. Childhood memories, mostly.

You don't amount to anything, anymore! Actually you never did!

I eventually passed up old houses that no longer had anyone living in them. ...Not a whole lot of memories here, but the ones that are here are pretty big.

They're all gone, and you're just dust in the wind now.

Ah, the school...my old alma mater. It wasn't that long ago, too. Not even ten years.

Just stop while you're behind, hah.

I started to see that I was getting closer to the urban district, where there would be more people and taller buildings. Cars zoomed past on the road, and people chattered away with others or on their phone. The sounds of the big city were a stark change to the peaceful, nostalgic feel of my neighborhood.

Do you really think you can keep going? The way you are now? Don't make me laugh.

I passed up several cafes and stores that I've visited at least once. Arcades that I've frequented. One restaurant that always got my patronage due to their delicious and affordable food. Plazas where many a romantic moment was had. Typical city stuff.

You're a fucking failure. No one wants you around anymore. Everyone just feels sorry for you. You're nothing but a pitiful existence. A mistake that needs to be smudged out. Why wait? The delete key is right there.

I let my legs take me to wherever, and before I knew it I was at a long term care hospital I knew all too well. After being greeted by the nurses and staff, I walked through the halls. I passed by different rooms, most of which had patients I know. A few of the patients said hello. Sorrow filled the air more than illness and sterile medical supplies. I rode the elevator to the top floor (5th), just before the roof. Once there, I knew exactly where my destination ultimately was. A hospital room. Room N-504

Back here, huh? Heh. I know where this is going. You're so easy to read. So what now? Gonna end it here? Gonna say goodbye and do the world a favor?

When I entered the room, I felt a harsh cold and a sharp pang of misery and sorrow. The room was empty and dim, filled only with standard medical equipment and the dull light from outside. Though I tried my best not to look at the bed, I did. Upon laying eyes on it, my mind flashed to a memory I wish I never had.

Hmph. How sad can you get?

As I passed the bed, I placed my hand on it and ran it along the sheets as I walked. I eventually went to the window, placing my hand on it and sliding it open. A gentle breeze blew through and my eyes narrowed slightly.

You can't even get yourself together, can't even muster up your own strength. You really think the world needs someone who can't even stand on their own feet? Pitiful, downright pitiful. It's sad and pathetic, that's what you are. You're nothing but a leech that can only stand up using other people as a crutch. You can't support yourself, you don't have the strength. You're nothing without them. NOTHING.

I stared out the window and eventually looked to the ground, frowning softly.

Strength. That's something you earn, something you gain. It's something -you- never bothered with. I don't even think you're capable of it. Or can you? Prove me wrong, then?!

The difficulty of being alone. It's like being suddenly placed a hundred stories up on a platform big enough only to stand on. And even worse, you're being forced to look down.

Or just die...

My eyes narrowed and I slowly stepped onto the windowsill, perching on top of it and looking down to the ground. The wind picked up, and it started to rain. The weather violently tossed my clothes about and got them wet. My eyes were closed and everything played from the beginning...
 
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