Joke Thread

Hopeyouguess62

Has a penis diamiter of 4.5cm
Moderator
Nov 10, 2008
2,432
83
#1
I thought this would be a nice place to read and tell jokes, especially those that have been passed to us by friends and family. I would ask that links to comedic work by others (i.e. funny sites, funny blogs, funny Youtube videos, funny webcomics) be placed in other threads -- if I wanted to browse the Interwebs for funny stuff I could do that on my own (and often do). So here goes... these are a few jokes I've picked up over the years.

An Irish pastor is speaking to his Roman Catholic congregation, attempting to explain the concept of the Holy Spirit. He poses the question, "How many people here have seen a ghost?" To his surprise about half the people raise their hands.
He responds with the query, "Well... how many people here have touched a ghost?" Again, he is shocked to see several hands go up, though a significantly smaller quantity.
Now he asks, "Alright. How many people here have made love to a ghost?" He is flabbergasted to see one shaky hand go up near the back.
"Michael Barnaby Jonas, you cannot be serious! I highly doubt you ever had sex with a ghost!"
Old Michael stands up, "Oh, a ghost? I thought ye said a goat!"

Two men walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A rabbi, a boy scout and a soldier walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

A man is in a bar and walks over to the cute blonde bartender. "Hey baby, I've got a great blonde joke. Wanna hear it?"
She glares at him. "Before you tell this joke, look around you. That muscle-bound blonde over there, she's our bouncer. The two blonde girls at that table over there, one of them is a professional boxer and one of them is a professional wrestler. I myself have three black belts from different schools of martial arts. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke here?"
The man replies, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it four times."
 

NorthernCross

Evard's Tentacles of Forced Intrusion
Oct 15, 2011
516
0
#2
Re: Joke Thread

What do you call a three some between RPers?

A Ham Sandwich
 
Oct 24, 2013
5
0
#3
Re: Joke Thread

Two men walked into a bar

The third one ducked
 

Grumby

Jungle Girl
Aug 23, 2014
47
0
#4
Re: Joke Thread

A man walks into a bar
Ow
 

Grumby

Jungle Girl
Aug 23, 2014
47
0
#6
Re: Joke Thread

What does a nosey pepper do?
Get jalapeño business.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 

ShadowWolfSBI

Chief Spam Hunter Why Are You Making Me Do This
Super Moderator
Moderator
Nov 10, 2008
3,104
0
#7
Re: Joke Thread

Found this elsewhere, thought I'd share it:

These are actual answering machine 'replies' recorded,
and verified by the world famous international institute of answering
machine answers.........WHO?

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message.

3. Speak.

4. Hi, now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is.....
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I will you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner !

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give charity through their office, and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you .

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone, until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right now, and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home, and it is safe to leave us a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded, and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So, leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get right back to you.
 

AngMyDee

Jungle Girl
Mar 4, 2017
24
0
#9
Re: Joke Thread

Blonde jokes are the best ! Just a brunch of stéréotype but so funny !
 

milkysofts

Demon Girl
Mar 23, 2017
83
0
#10
Re: Joke Thread

oh why goat, you should do it with alpaca it much more cute.
 

Darktoz

Jungle Girl
Apr 4, 2017
46
8
#11
Re: Joke Thread

How does every German joke start? By looking over your shoulder :D