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Amarant: Unknown Path


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Cevrik777

Cevrik777

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Results:

-A. Refuse. (5/5)
-Healing Potion. (3/5 say take it)
-The storage might be fake/not worth it.
-Tell him you’ll keep his deal in mind.
-Ask if there’s a good shop in Bayton.

No, you’re not that low, you tell yourself. Scarper does have quite the offer but you’ll have to refuse. It’s not only a matter of your pride, but you simply don’t trust him. His select inventory, if it even exists, could be entirely useless to you, and what’s to say he’ll hold up his end of the bargain once he gets what he wants? You’ll simply pay, grab a healing potion – no point in passing up something that’s free – and then leave.

You open up your bag, count out the gold, and set it down on the counter.

“No thank you, I have somewhere to be.” You simply say.

Scarper’s smile fades as he hears your words, but a small smirk quickly reappears.

“Well, that’s a shame to hear. Still, why rush such a thing? I’d hate to have such a lovely session with you cut short. No, what kind of gentleman would I be to make you take part in such an act with so little time to clean up before going out in public. Still, a shame I wasn’t able to entice someone as lovely as you.”

His words seem sincere enough, and he did take it well. Perhaps he is a fraction of the gentleman he claims to be. Perhaps you can appeal to him a bit more, see if you can extract something else from him. He’s already offered you the potion, but what else? At this point you doubt you’d be able to get another item, but perhaps some information would do? Even if the matter was a bit obscene, he did mention Bayton. Perhaps, as a salesman, he has some insight as to what shops and markets you’d find there.


Scarper reaches for the gold, but as he grabs it, your hand touches his. He seems surprised as you then bend over the counter a bit, coming close enough to notice his green skin turn slightly red.

“Now, just because I can’t accept today doesn’t mean I won’t be able to when I’m back in town.”

The slight shade of red on his face starts to take on a darker hue. He stutters a bit, his usually composed demeanor fading for the first time since you walked in. It seems you've taken him a bit by surprise.

“I- Well, that’s… I’m pleased to hear that. Shall I save the date?”

“Aw, come now. What is the fun if I don’t surprise you? I’ll return eventually. Although there are two other things I need from you before I go.”

“And what, may I ask, are they?” he says, returning back to his usual.

“First, I’ll take a Healing Potion, as you promised.” You then decide to try and captivate him a bit more.

He hands you the potion and, as you take it, you assure him that you’ll "keep him in mind when you have need of it", bedroom eyes looking up at him You’d be lying if you said you weren’t enjoying this ever so slightly.

By this time his complexion is approaching a dark maroon. For the “gentleman” he fancies himself to be it seems your simple words have caused him to become a bit flustered.

“And, secondly, could you tell me where a good place is in Bayton to do a bit of shopping. I’ve never visited there before and I’d hate to have to wander around lost in such a place.”

His eyes light up as you say this, apparently quite elated he’s able to fulfill your second request.

“Ah, yes, Bayton. The beautiful and rugged port to the south. Let’s see… You’ll find most of the shops located around the docks. Watch yourself, though, as there are many brutish types around that part of town. I would recommend any of the places near there, especially “Grugni’s”; expensive, but he has some of the latest tech coming straight from The Duumvirate’s forges.”

He brings his hand up to chin as he thinks about some more places to shop.

“Ah, also, they may not be a shop per se, but the Artificer’s Guild will also have quite a bit of magical artifacts. If you were to find yourself among their good graces I’m sure they’d be willing to part with a bit of it.”

He then sets his hand back down on the table and takes on a more concerned expression.

“There is one more place, but I doubt you’d even be able to find it.”

“Find it?” you reply, confused.

“Yes, find it. There’s a black market in that town. Changes locations every moon. They deal in much more than just the physical and the mundane, trading things such as information, secrets… and lives. Of course, even if you do find them, they won’t sell you anything cheap.”

A black market? Finding such a place sounds like a reckless venture. Still, you keep it in mind. The knowledge that such a place exists may be useful.

“Is that all?” you ask.

“I’m afraid so. What I like to buy in Bayton isn’t exactly located in what one may consider a store.” He responds, grinning to himself a bit.

He finally takes the gold, depositing it under the counter, and handing you your items.

-36 Gold.

+3 Revolver rounds.
+Hook
+Compass
+Healing potion


You deposit one round into your gun, the other two into one of your pouches, and the healing potion into the other pouch. After you store the other two items into your bag you look back to Scarper.

“I take it this is where we part.” He laments, his expression almost sad. “I’ll look forward to your return.”

“As shall I.” you say, keeping up the act.

You say goodbye to him and then proceed out of the store, leaving it behind, and taking off at a jog as you don’t want to miss your train’s departure. You’re not there to hear it, but after you leave Scarper remarks how, after coming so close, he needs to see a certain orange-haired girl again.




You keep up the pace all the way to the station, finding yourself less tired than you would have expected. As you arrive you see the locomotive there at the station; eight cars in all, you’re not sure if that’s above or below average for this line. You briskly walk up to the gate, pass through, and start to proceed to the fourth car where a conductor, and a small group of people, stand. As you get closer you can see the conductor is directing individuals as to where each class is. You start to become a bit concerned, though, as you see every one of them proceed to the right, towards the front to the train.

You make it to the door and find that the conductor doesn’t even bother asking for your ticket, and simply continues to loudly state that first class is to the right, in the third, fourth, and fifth car. You wonder if anyone is in third class. Perhaps you might be able to proceed to First without any issue. You contemplate it but are worried about what may occur if you’re caught. You do have a ticket for third so it’s not as bad as simply trying to get a free ride. Besides, if they’re free seats what’s the harm in taking one? You think about it, weighing your options.


Choices:
Decide which class to ride in on your way to Bayton.
You could easily go to 3rd Class, which you posses a ticket for, or you could takes your chances and ride in 1st Class, hoping you'll be lucky enough to go unnoticed.

Primary Vote:

A) 1st Class.
B) 3rd Class.

X) Other.

Z) Minor Action.

Minor Actions Explanation:
Minor Actions are small actions you may do in addition to your Primary Vote (A, B, C, etc). They will usually just provide you with additional information or perhaps, in rare circumstances, an item. If it would cause an encounter or runs the risk of causing general havoc then it's best to put it as an additional detail under primary vote.

Examples are asking someone a simple question, inspecting an object or feature in the environment, checking on or using an item in your bag, or changing some feature on your person. (i.e. Putting your hair into ponytail - See: Sections explained > Appearance)

They may help you, but please, try not to abuse the system. Trying to examine a couple objects in detail may be fine, but picking every item off the shelf in a store can get a bit... tedious.
And as always: I retain the right to reject them However much it may pain me to do so...

STATS:*

Current Inventory:

Gold: 15 -36 Gold
-Ticket from Hangsmire to Novo. 2nd Class.
-Ticket from Bayton to Respeiro. 1st Class.
-Ticket from Novo to Bayton. 3rd Class.
-Red Discrete Crystal x4
-White Discrete Crystal x2
-Note from “J”
-Bundle of Rope
-Lock-pick.
-Metallic Brooch (Type:?)
-Extra Shirt
-Leather Dress-Boots.
-Hook. Quite large. Three prongs. +
-Compass. Points North
-Healing Potion. Will heal all but the most brutal of wounds. +


Weapons:
-Revolver. Single Action. Single load. Holds Six Rounds.
-Rounds: x8 (6 in Cylinder) +3
-Rapier

Apparel:
-Belt & Holster.
-Small Belt-Pouch 1: Contains two revolver rounds
-Small Belt-Pouch 2: Healing Potion.
-Leather dress Gloves. Brown.
-Duster. Down to calves. Khaki.
-Skirt. Down to ankles. Black.
-Blouse. White. Slightly open.
-Vest. Dark Leather.
-Sturdy Boots. Brown Leather.
-Bra. Black. Silk.
-Underwear. Black. Silk.
-Stockings. Transparent. Black.


Abilities/Effects:
-Amnesiac: You have lost your memory and have little understanding of the world.
-Revolver Training: "It ain't much but you're a natural" -Tinder
-

Physical Appearance:
-Duster is unbuttoned.
-Red/Auburn Hair: Little longer than “Shoulder Length”. Let Down.
-Height: ~5’ 7”

Explanation of Sections:
A "*" next to the "STATS" title will denote that there has been a modification since the last post.
A blue + will denote that an item has been gained.
A red - will denote that an item has been lost or destroyed.

Current Inventory: What you have with you.

Weapons: Objects that may be used to inflict harm on opponents. Note, that these are your primary means of damaging an enemy in combat but you may use other items you possess or objects in the environment in creative ways. This includes your bare hands and feet.

Apparel: Clothes that are currently being worn. Any damage will be detailed as well. Clothing not being worn will be held in your inventory. A “???” symbol denotes the knowledge of it being worn, but no specific details are known.

Abilities/Effects: Special abilities possessed by the character. Some may be directly linked with items/pieces of clothing. Also lists passive effects present upon the character, including passive skills and negative conditions.

Physical Appearance: A basic overview of the physical features of your character.
Some aspects may be altered via a minor action if necessary requirements are met (Tying hair up into a ponytail), or against the character’s will depending on the nature of the alteration.
 
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Iwanako

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Remember: They are pulling a scam here, so surveillance will be strict in first class. What puzzles me is that 3rd class has wagon 1-2 and 6-8.

I would say we do this:
Ask the conductor about the usual 2nd class wagons, claiming " an old friend" still has a pre-bought ticket for it. Then, if he's helpful we go and pay her a visit, then we either sit with our friend or, if the gods of luck are not on my side; we walk to the first wagon, place ourselves with our back to the locomotive door, take the window seat and prepare our gun.(perfect sightline on the entire wagon and a protected back.)
 
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Cevrik777

Cevrik777

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

A scam!? I don't remember mentioning such a thing! Oh, Røse, do you think me such a devious writer? You wound me! Well, perhaps I am... perhaps I am not. Whatever I may be, tonight however, I am helpful:

I will confirm that there are no 3rd Class cars forward of the 1st Class cars, and that not all cars consist of just 3rd and 1st Class; some have different purposes.
 

Iwanako

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Oh, you're on<3

“What about 2nd class?” you ask, hoping a balance in price and comfort can be struck.

“Sorry. Orders came down from the top earlier in the week: No more 2nd class between Bayton and here. Some say it’s an attempt to force extra money out of all but the poorest travelers and a misguided attempt to keep anyone from Bayton away from any “respectable customers”. He shrugs, “Sorry, but if you don’t mind the lack of comfy seats and maybe a few rough n’ unsavory types it’s not all that bad.”


As said by the ticket vendor. Where I come from that's considered fraudulent behaviour.

Then do enlighten me: Are 1-2 the 3rd class cars, or 6-8?
The only things I can think of are either freight cars(Frowned upon with passenger trains) or a, for lack of a better term, refreshment wagon(Kind of a small café in the train, common-ish in longer trips).

Either way, my vote remains identical, with the sole exception being that the part about wagon 1, should that be freight, we pack our stuff to 8 instead and do the same.(I still hope my first part works, but hey. Can't hurt to have a plan B.)

As for being devious enough for such stunts: You kind of neutralized my perma-follower plan heartlessly</3. But that black market in the next city should have perma-followers, else it's a lame black market and I want nothing to do with it(Unless it has free grenades, then it's okay.)
 

Dracador

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

B. Luck's a bitch when you rely on it so. Just stay wary (and preferably with back to a wall) the entire trip
 

ShantyTsun

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

We did buy a ticket for third class...so, B. With weapons and stuff, it shouldn't be so bad, and I don't really see a convincing reason to switch to first. Economy class-hooo.
 

ArchAngelGundam

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

B. If they are any kind of train organization trying to turn a profit, and by all accounts they seem to be, they’ll be checking all tickets in every class. Best not to risk getting thrown off the train with no way to get to Bayton.
 

Tassadar

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

B, no point risking it.
 

gamefreak999

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

I think we should have bought our character some more bottom wear like pants or shorter skirt for better movement or just extras. Also wouldn't a dagger be easier to use than a rapier and also easier to conceal.
So we don't know whats in the first 2 cars. Also just curious, can you describe the crowd going into the first class because it gives us a good idea of many people should really be in there and how many shouldn't be. Also in trains, they check the ticket while the train is moving. Also getting thrown out would make it an incredibly hard walk.

So B

Also Z minor action would be to check the crowd for how many people you think belongs there.
 
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Cevrik777

Cevrik777

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

I apologize for the wait; I was enjoying a bit more of my weekend than usual.

Results:


B. No point in risking getting thrown off: Third Class.

You think about it a bit more but decide that it’s not worth it. Just like the last train they’ll probably check your ticket. Not to mention: causing unnecessary complications while you’re still unsure as to who you really are, is probably not the best idea.

You’re about to step onto the train but then realize you aren’t quite sure where third class is. You turn back to the conductor and try to ask him.

“Excuse me…” you say, but find it difficult to get his attention.

“Excuse me!” You say again, this time louder.

He stops, mid-sentence, and turns to you.

“Yes, yes, what?” he says, sounding a bit perturbed.

You think of showing him your ticket but opt, instead, to just ask where third class is. As you ask he seems a bit confused.

“You want 3rd Class…? Are you… well, alright then. It’s in the back. Cars six and seven. Go ahead and head through the door at the back of this car and keep going until you’re through the Lounge Car. It’ll be the next car right after. Train Master Wright thanks you for riding with us today.” He says, pointing down to your left.

You thank him and are about to turn around and be on your way until he speak again.

“Oh, also miss! We’re using one of the 3rd class cars for a bit of storage given the decline in passengers and all. Please use the other one. Lord Wright thanks you, again.”

He then bows slightly and begins his usual routine.



You turn back around again and step inside. You’re pretty much near the back of the car, the door he mentioned just a few paces away. You glance back towards the front and see that it’s quite different from the last train you were on.

A small, narrow hallway runs down the right side of the car. Doors line the left side, each one separated by about eight or so feet from the next. It seems 1st class passengers on this line have their own cabins. You think to your 1st class ticket for your next ride and feel a little a bit of relief knowing your next train ride is not only already paid for, but will be in one of these. You turn back to the door, open it, and continue through.

You find the section joining the two cars is different as well. Instead of a small gap between two steel grates you find a narrow walkway joining the two sections together. Small handrails are provided and you see now that the platform is hinged so as to allow it to remain even while the train is in motion. The area above is also covered. Almost completely flush with the train’s roof, the cloth cover matches the width of the train and protects anyone moving from train to train from the elements.

You make it across and open up the next door to what the conductor called the “Lounge Car”. You twist the handle, open it and step inside.

You had thought it strange how the fifth car was called both 1st Class and the Lounge Car, but now you can see why. Before you is a beautiful furnished room. The chairs, stools, and couches are all carved of wood and upholstered with what looks to be a fine silk, and small end-tables, secured to the floor, are spaced before them. The scents of hickory and maple waft over you. On the left side of the car is a wooden countertop that you soon realize is a bar. Bottles of various sizes and shapes line the wall behind it, secured by golden metal rings. Looking further back you also see more traditional tables with wooden chairs around them. The tables are hexagonal and have a lime green cloth sewn onto them, with various lines and patterns sewn onto them.

You walk forward, down the car, and get a closer look at the details. Light comes from small chandeliers above, and small lamps that extend from the wall above the couches; you assume they’re for anyone wanting to read. You also notice now that there are small half-cylinder like divots near each of the points in the green tables. You’re not sure what they’re for, but before you can examine it any further you hear a voice ahead of you.

“Ma’am?” a man asks, standing near the door at the back.

He’s young, and looks to be an elf. He’s dressed in a blue uniform similar to the conductor’s but also has a few sheets of metal covering a few sections of his uniform. A sword hangs at his belt and you think you can see a few rings of chainmail poking out near his neck from underneath the uniform. He also has a most curious object slung over his shoulder. It’s mostly wooden, but it seems familiar to you. You then realize you’ve seen it’s like before, on the wall at Flint and Tinder’s shop. He called it a rifle. Considering the uniform and how well equipped he is you assume he’s stationed here as a guard.

“Excuse me, Ma’am? 1st Class is the other way.”

“Oh, I’m aware. I’m actually heading towards 3rd class, thank you. It’s in the next car, yes?”

He then clears his throat realizing his mistake and speaks up again.

“Oh! Yes, yes, sorry. I’m just here to act as a deterrent and make sure no one from second and third, or well, I guess just third class, decide to partake in any of the refreshments. Sometimes they’ll make up any excuse to get into the lounge car.”

He then stops, looking away, as if he had said something embarrassing.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am… I didn’t mean to say that just because you’re in 3rd Class that you… well-“

“It’s fine.” you cut him off.

He perks up a bit as you assure him there was no offense.

“Ah, well, in that case I’ll still keep an eye on you if it’s all the same.” He says, laughing a bit at the jest.

You smile, if only to not let him feel awkward.

"Too bad you're in 3rd class. This route doesn't go through any tunnels instead going through a bit of the countryside. Actually, we'll be skirting the cliffs above the Hazelands for a good portion of the trip; There's a lovely vista that looks out over it. It's beautiful, almost like a sea of fog."

You’re about to speak up again but you then hear the train’s whistle.

“Oh, better hold onto something: train’s about to go.” He tells you.

Sure enough, the train jerks forward just as you grab hold of the nearby table. With its base bolted to the floor, it provides enough stability.

“Well, since we’re underway I’m going to have to ask you to go on ahead to 3rd class. Sorry.

“Oh, I understand.”

You step away from the table and towards the door, reaching for the handle. You turn it and step outside the car. Before the door closes you hear the guard once more:

“Sorry, and Train Master Wright thanks you for riding with us today..."



-Chapter 1: Novo, End-



Alright, so here we are at the end of the first chapter.

I see the interest for the story has picked up a bit and we have had some readers make the transition and become participating voters. I'm very glad people have taken such an interest and are actually engaged in what happens to the protagonist. We'll definitely need the competition in the second chapter.

Now, since we are at the end of the first chapter, if anyone would care to take a minute or two out of their day, I would appreciate it if you would give your thoughts on the story so far:

-Good/bad grammar, spelling, structure?
-Dialogue/conversations?
-Details/descriptions - too short, too long?
-Other thoughts and concerns.
-Etc. etc.

Thank you for any feedback you leave - hopefully it's constructive - and I shall have the next post up by the end of the night.

NEW POST AT: - 4 A.M. EST -
 
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gamefreak999

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

I like this setup. A lot of the other CYOA kind of rush off to the sex scenes or has sex as their main theme (not saying its bad but we do have a lot of it) but I like how there is set up instead of just battle and then rape if you failed (which makes me feel less sorry for the character every time she gets raped which makes me go towards the rape choices more often since I care less about the well being of the character). Also we learn about the world at the same pace as the character so what we think seems more genuine to how the character would react because she knows as much as us.

I think everything is really well done like the dialogue are pretty good lengths, although I kind of wish you had a little bit more to say for some of the descriptions of clothes because it makes it easier to visualize but that's very minor. (how does she know her underwear is black???)

There was one part that I was not sure about. So did a soul of someone else come into this character or did this character just lose her memories?
 
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ShantyTsun

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

I enjoy this story being more story than sex. Hopefully the latter ends up being pretty good too. Grammar and structure and pretty good so I have nothing to really criticize, outside of nitpicking. I'm very comfortable with amount of choice, so I hope that doesn't change.

I hope to see more impacting choice and consequences. That is, doing things that have obvious consequences should play out those consequences. Also kind of curious how far you're going with the sex stuff, but that remains to be seen. Not sure where the comfortable spot is, so far. Finally, I really like buying stuff/improving the character (especially changing clothing and wearing sexier stuff) but I really, really hope that stuff won't overshadow character interaction. I dislike it when interactive stories loose track of the character and deathspiral into gratuitousness. Too much for no good reason is overdone, in my opinion.
 

Iwanako

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Critic time:

Story-wise it's solid, it has a fairly decent(leaning towards slow) pace, interesting characters and a solid choice-set to pick our options from.

In terms of detail there's still ground to be covered, not as much as when you started, but you do have a habit of forgetting to describe things, merely pointing that "they are" and nothing else.

In terms of content: One chapter is short to judge, but so far I've seen no "out-of-left-field" actions, no "obligatory sexscene due to 10 posts" and thankfully no "FU voters, I'm doing my own option".

With your style of writing I do have a few points for the next chapter.

> Don't forget to include required information, our character knows nothing, and coming up with "Oops, thought I said that already" is sloppy.
> Don't fall into the detail trap like with our thief, unless I need to parade the "zombie with a wig" argument again.
> Expect people(especially me) to come up with options that might not completely fit your pre-planned chapter-progress roads. I'd rather have you tell us that you can't fit it in rather than just writing it and letting the plan fail, just to be done with it.(Really, I'd rather hear I'm too creative for my own good than to see my plan killed within three lines because the writer really didn't want it but didn't want to say so in my face).

In summary:
Solid writing
Good story
Few minor errors here and there
Enjoyable read
Good amount of choice
Slightly slow pace.

Score: 4/5, and a good story for those new at cyoa's to contribute to.
 
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Cevrik777

Cevrik777

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

I like this setup. A lot of the other CYOA kind of rush off to the sex scenes or has sex as their main theme (not saying its bad but we do have a lot of it) but I like how there is set up instead of just battle and then rape if you failed (which makes me feel less sorry for the character every time she gets raped which makes me go towards the rape choices more often since I care less about the well being of the character). Also we learn about the world at the same pace as the character so what we think seems more genuine to how the character would react because she knows as much as us.

I think everything is really well done like the dialogue are pretty good lengths, although I kind of wish you had a little bit more to say for some of the descriptions of clothes because it makes it easier to visualize but that's very minor. (how does she know her underwear is black???)

There was one part that I was not sure about. So did a soul of someone else come into this character or did this character just lose her memories?
Thank you. I wanted the effect of the non-consensual encounters to have more of an impact, and I'm glad you feel as though that makes you more invested in the story. As far as learning at the same pace as the character: I'm very happy to hear you notice that. I was actually trying to implement that, even if it's going to be somewhat difficult to manage what the readers and the protagonist know and what I, the author, know. Even with the difficulty, I wanted to try it, because in the end... that payoff can be worth it!

Clothes have always been a weakness for me. Not only because they're a very intricate detail that takes a lot of effort to articulate and describe, but... I'm not a clothes person. I've always worked on it for major characters, but I will try and increase the detail level for even minor characters.

Also, the black underwear... yeeeeeah... Honestly? I just felt it unnecessaryand silly to say "Oooh, you don't know that detail because your character hasn't expressly wondered "I wonder what colour my underwear is!" It was becoming a gorilla in the room where sooner or later I had to write in a point where she finds out her underwear is black. So yeah... just decided to say: "It's black. Deal with it. /shades."

As far as the memories being lost... ... ... :I -My lips are sealed-


I enjoy this story being more story than sex. Hopefully the latter ends up being pretty good too. Grammar and structure and pretty good so I have nothing to really criticize, outside of nitpicking. I'm very comfortable with amount of choice, so I hope that doesn't change.

I hope to see more impacting choice and consequences. That is, doing things that have obvious consequences should play out those consequences. Also kind of curious how far you're going with the sex stuff, but that remains to be seen. Not sure where the comfortable spot is, so far. Finally, I really like buying stuff/improving the character (especially changing clothing and wearing sexier stuff) but I really, really hope that stuff won't overshadow character interaction. I dislike it when interactive stories loose track of the character and deathspiral into gratuitousness. Too much for no good reason is overdone, in my opinion.
As with Gamer, I'm glad to hear you're enjoying the story, even with the lack of sex scenes. (There will be more to come, believe me!) Choices will actually expand from here on out, and new mechanics will be making their way into the fold. Hopefully you care for them. As with the entire story, if you guys like or dislike something I will try and reforge the narrative to better suit what you guys enjoy. If my readers don't enjoy what I write, why write? No, but seriously, I'll continue, but I'll try my damn best to make sure you guys enjoy it.

Changing clothing will be a bigger part later on, especially in a certain chapter, but for now it mostly deals with how enemies will deal with you and if they are, or are not, able to see if you're carrying any weapons on your person. Some enemies may not even know your weapons if they see it, however.

Also, the narrative ist uber alles. You won't have to worry about the character becoming someone else, as far as what they do at least. I'll also try my best to try and have her provide LOGIC behind WHY she's doing a major or minor action.

Critic time:

Story-wise it's solid, it has a fairly decent(leaning towards slow) pace, interesting characters and a solid choice-set to pick our options from.

In terms of detail there's still ground to be covered, not as much as when you started, but you do have a habit of forgetting to describe things, merely pointing that "they are" and nothing else.

In terms of content: One chapter is short to judge, but so far I've seen no "out-of-left-field" actions, no "obligatory sexscene due to 10 posts" and thankfully no "FU voters, I'm doing my own option".

With your style of writing I do have a few points for the next chapter.

> Don't forget to include required information, our character knows nothing, and coming up with "Oops, thought I said that already" is sloppy.
> Don't fall into the detail trap like with our thief, unless I need to parade the "zombie with a wig" argument again.
> Expect people(especially me) to come up with options that might not completely fit your pre-planned chapter-progress roads. I'd rather have you tell us that you can't fit it in rather than just writing it and letting the plan fail, just to be done with it.(Really, I'd rather hear I'm too creative for my own good than to see my plan killed within three lines because the writer really didn't want it but didn't want to say so in my face).

In summary:
Solid writing
Good story
Few minor errors here and there
Enjoyable read
Good amount of choice
Slightly slow pace.

Score: 4/5, and a good story for those new at cyoa's to contribute to.
And of course, Rose: my first and harshest critic. Not that that's a bad thing! Sometimes you need someone to tell it to ya straight! You have been there from the beginning.

Glad you approve of the characters, I feared they'd come off as two dimensional.

Ah, yes, DETAILS. It keeps coming back to haunt me! Good to hear that you think I've improved. I do have a habit of barely describing anything that won't be needed later on. Although, I will say that I'm getting better and making up for by describing things in the environment which can be taken advantage of or inspected to gain a reward. Don't worry, if someone like you or another voter decides to use "Object A" to do Action B then I'll try my best to write it in, but, if it conflicts with the character or narrative too much I will have to veto it (i.e. you're too creative and I didn't account for the action). This might happen a lot with action scenes...

As far as keeping what you know and what I know straight, I've always been good at keeping two faces. I also try and re-read the story so as to keep what I've told you guys in mind.

Also... I haven't pulled a "Oops, thought I said that already", have I? Could've sworn I've kept everything straight so far.

And on the matter of Lyn... don't worry: Your suggestion has actually spawned quite a few ideas and concepts I'm going to be testing.

In summary:
Solid writing - Happy to hear it. As someone who NEVER wrote fiction before 6 months ago, this means a lot.
Good story - Very happy to hear people approve of the story. Hopefully I don't go all "M. Night. Shamallama" on you guys.
Few minor errors here and there - Of course, of course.
Enjoyable read - Good, good.
Good amount of choice - It's going to get better, believe me.
Slightly slow pace. - It'll pick up... trust me. Besides, I've tried to offset that with regular updates.


-----

Overall, I'm glad to hear you guys are enjoying it and I shall continue to try to keep the updates coming at a fast pace. I may slow it down a bit on some faster and more chaotic parts to not only build tension but also give people enough time to respond and vote.

I think the best of of the past 72 hours is seeing THREE new readers transition over to participants. Good on ya!

As another one of the regulars I'm curious to see what Tassadar has to say, but until then.... ON WITH THE STORY!
 
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Cevrik777

Cevrik777

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Messages
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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Chapter 2: On the (Rail) Road Again…

The door closes behind you and you hear a click as it latches shut, leaving you in the faint darkness outside.

You find yourself on a platform that is reminiscent of the one from the previous train: a grated platform, no conjoining roof, and a no small bridge spanning the gap, which as you look down through, you can see the ground speeding passed just beneath you. Your pace quickens a bit at the sight, your ears being bombarded by the sound of the wheels along the tracks doesn’t help either. Luckily, the gap isn’t too far across: a simple four feet, small enough that you can reach the pole on either side without letting go, but still enough to fall through lest you be careful. Apparently, you think to yourself, accommodations for each of the classes don’t end at just the interior of the cars.

You grab a pole near the edge for support as you’re about to hop across and notice how even the ladders from before are on each platform, a small hole opening in the roof for anyone wanting access. The thought of anyone up there as the train speeds along does nothing for your current state.

You ready yourself to hop across, taking a deep breath and then lurching forward, grabbing the pole on the other side as soon as your hand can grasp it, and releasing the other one as you make it safely across. You take a couple of breaths as you steady your nerves. Your eyes closed, you can feel your heart start to calm down. You open your eyes and reach for the door, but then notice that the lack of light isn’t because you’re going through a tunnel like before, but instead, because night has fallen.

You look out to your right over the vista before you and see an ocean. Not an ocean of water though, but that of fog. Before you lies a great expanse of white mist that seems to cover everything; only a few scant pine trees poke above the surface. At the very edge is the sun, its rays turning a small sliver of the mist a brilliant orange as it finally slips beneath the horizon. You look down and see that just a few feet away from the tracks the ground drops, a cliff giving way to the ocean of white below. To the left you see a great wall diminishing in size. You assume that is Novo, the city you were in not too long ago now disappearing behind more and more trees. You turn back to the right and see the train curving slightly to the left and into the dark blue of the night. Once you’ve enjoyed the view enough you turn back to the door and enter the next car.

You almost have a hard time shutting the door behind you as wooden crates immediately occupy your view. Boxes, crates, and various containers are piled haphazardly before you, most of them strapped down with various ropes and chains. You look over them and see various symbols and lettering, most of it worn and barely discernible. You assume that while it is only a passenger train and not a freighter, they’re not opposed to doing a little trade on the side. You also notice that each one you examine seems to be locked or sealed in some fashion: whether it’s by a sturdy padlock or by simply nailed shut, no one’s going to be getting into these with ease.

You proceed forward slowly, no set path lying before you, even having to climb over a few of the boxes. The light of only three lanterns hanging above makes the ordeal a little more difficult, as some of the light is completely blocked from some sections of the train by boxes nearing the ceiling, causing the areas in question to be almost completely dark. The lack of windows doesn’t help either, although, as it is night, you don’t suppose it would matter all that much.

You make it about half way down the car and then lose your footing. Luckily you’re able to slightly redirect your fall so that a crate doesn’t give you a concussion. Your impact is light, your hands luckily hitting the floor first and softening the blow. Although, as you roll over and proceed to sit up you see what you tripped over.

You see a pair of legs; they’re bulky and draped with a cloth that seems to be torn in multiple places. you're surprised to see a body among all these boxes and crates. You're not quite sure if they're alive or dead but you decide to back off before you find out. you start to edge away ever so slowly but are startled when you hear a deep breath and a grumble from behind one of the crates on your right. The legs start to move and a figure appears from behind the crates.

He’s an older gentleman: not elderly but still reaching the latter part of his days. He’s balding and possesses a bit of a scraggly beard, the hair grey and unkempt. He looks at you and you simply stare back at him. He looks at you with tired eyes, the expression on his face holding no emotion. He smacks his lips a couple times, looking as though he had just been woken up. The clothes on his torso match those on his legs: slightly torn, grey, and about four or five sizes too big for him.

He continues to look at you for a little while longer, half closed eyes barely moving, until he then shifts up and forward so that he’s resting on his hands and knees. His movements are slow, almost as though he’s drunk. He crawls a bit more towards you until his torso is actually over your feet and his face a few feet from yours. You bring your head back as far as it’ll go, your back to one of the many crates littered around. His sluggish movements carry him forward a bit more, his loose shirt dragging across your legs. His face is now just about a foot away from yours. Your hand slowly edges towards your revolver, ready to defend yourself if necessary. His breath smells putrid; a wave of alcohol and old food emanating from him and into your face. He looks at you for a couple more seconds longer and then eventually lets his mouth hang open to speak. You wait, but hear no words leave his foul mouth. His eyelids close and open slowly, a slight wave forming as one slightly lags behind the other. By this time your hand firmly grips your firearm, your index finger resting on the frame. You wonder if you’ll have to have to defend yourself as he finally speaks:

“Hey… Y- You got any money?” he asks.


Choices:

Decide how to respond. Come up with a somewhat "basic" explanation for tallying purposes. Just a few things to keep in mind:

- Answer him? Yes? No?
- Threaten him?
- Shove him away?
- Let him move or try and get out from under him?
- Actually give him some money?

No need to explicitly answer all of these. You can keep the answer fluid/organic.

STATS:

Current Inventory:

Gold: 15
-Ticket from Hangsmire to Novo. 2nd Class.
-Ticket from Bayton to Respeiro. 1st Class.
-Ticket from Novo to Bayton. 3rd Class.
-Red Discrete Crystal x4
-White Discrete Crystal x2
-Note from “J”
-Bundle of Rope
-Lock-pick.
-Metallic Brooch (Type:?)
-Extra Shirt
-Leather Dress-Boots.
-Hook. Quite large. Three prongs.
-Compass. Points North
-Healing Potion. Will heal all but the most brutal of wounds.


Weapons:
-Revolver. Single Action. Single load. Holds Six Rounds.
-Rounds: x8 (6 in Cylinder)
-Rapier

Apparel:
-Belt & Holster.
-Small Belt-Pouch 1: Contains two revolver rounds
-Small Belt-Pouch 2: Healing Potion.
-Leather dress Gloves. Brown.
-Duster. Down to calves. Khaki.
-Skirt. Down to ankles. Black.
-Blouse. White. Slightly open.
-Vest. Dark Leather.
-Sturdy Boots. Brown Leather.
-Bra. Black. Silk.
-Underwear. Black. Silk.
-Stockings. Transparent. Black.


Abilities/Effects:
-Amnesiac: You have lost your memory and have little understanding of the world.
-Revolver Training: "It ain't much but you're a natural" -Tinder
-

Physical Appearance:
-Duster is unbuttoned.
-Red/Auburn Hair: Little longer than “Shoulder Length”. Let Down.
-Height: ~5’ 7”

Explanation of Sections:
A "*" next to the "STATS" title will denote that there has been a modification since the last post.
A blue + will denote that an item has been gained.
A red - will denote that an item has been lost or destroyed.

Current Inventory: What you have with you.

Weapons: Objects that may be used to inflict harm on opponents. Note, that these are your primary means of damaging an enemy in combat but you may use other items you possess or objects in the environment in creative ways. This includes your bare hands and feet.

Apparel: Clothes that are currently being worn. Any damage will be detailed as well. Clothing not being worn will be held in your inventory. A “???” symbol denotes the knowledge of it being worn, but no specific details are known.

Abilities/Effects: Special abilities possessed by the character. Some may be directly linked with items/pieces of clothing. Also lists passive effects present upon the character, including passive skills and negative conditions.

Physical Appearance: A basic overview of the physical features of your character.
Some aspects may be altered via a minor action if necessary requirements are met (Tying hair up into a ponytail), or against the character’s will depending on the nature of the alteration.
 

Iwanako

Mystic Girl
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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Shove him off, but try to hurt him as little as possible.
Then tell him that he'd better sit down, lest he tumbles over.

After that, if he behaves properly, ask him why he needs money and why he's seemingly drunk in a freight car.

If he doesn't behave properly or resists being shoved off of us, then I suppose getting unfriendly is possible...
 

gamefreak999

Tentacle Monster
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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Say no and gently push him back with one hand and keep the other on your gun. Ask him why afterwards. Although shooting him seems kind of extreme. Also from previous experience with crime, the punishment seems pretty extreme for the crime so getting caught in murder might not be a good idea. He is drunk already so maybe its possible to dispatch him in unarmed combat but we have no idea the physical aptitude of our heroine. I guess the gun can be used to threaten if he becomes aggressive.
 

ShantyTsun

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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Bring a foot to your stomach, level it with his chest, and then kick him with the heel. Hopefully striking a shoulder, and flipping him over. Then scramble away, get up, and move on.
 
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Cevrik777

Cevrik777

Sex Demon
Joined
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Messages
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Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

Results:

If it feels too soon to have another post that's because I like open votes with no A, B, and C choices to have a relatively short window and only allow two to three individuals to post. I know this might seem unfair to some but, not only will these situations be rare, but this way we won't have five or six vastly different ideas on how to proceed, opting instead to have a few ideas I can combine together.

... Also, the small issue of a thunderstorm hitting me relatively soon and me wanting to write up the next passage and have it posted before I may lost power.

Summary:

-Shove him off, try not to hurt him.
-Ask him why he needs the money.
-keep hand on gun. Threaten if he becomes aggressive.


His breath pours forward as he asks the question. Whether or not you had an answer for him you can’t stand the stench and try to push him off you. You put your left hand to his chest and slowly push, your boot then taking its place once he's pushed back enough.

The man tumbles a back a bit and comes to a rest on his rear, his back against another crate. He keeps grumbling a bit as his head hangs forward still groggy from his recent slumber. You stand up quickly and keep your hand on your revolver, prepared to threaten him in necessary, although, in his current state you doubt he’s much a threat.

He brings a hand up to his forehead and groans some more. You’re not sure if it’s a hangover or you made him bang his head. He eventually shakes it off and extends his arms outward, giving a long drawn out yawn and smacking his lips a couple times. His eyes close and his head swirls around a bit, a few more mumbles emanating from the disheveled man.

He eventually rolls his head back, mouth agape, and opens his eyes to look up at you. His gaze still seems tired although now he blinks with regular speed, the lag from before gone. A couple seconds go by as the two of you simply stare at the other until you eventually decide to try speaking with him:

“Hello…?”

He doesn’t respond, instead, he simply slumps to the side, his arms supporting him as he then tries to right himself. He pushes himself up so that he’s now kneeling, and you can see now that he’s trying to stand. You still don’t trust the man and decide to climb up onto the crate behind you, providing yourself with a height advantage in case he tries anything. Your head almost bumps into the lantern above, but you manage to catch yourself, and avoid losing your balance.

The man, after a while, manages to stand, almost tripping on his own pants in the act. His legs still wobble a bit beneath him as he tries to rub the sleep from his eyes, though. You continue to watch his movements, still wary of the drunk.

After a while he opens his eyes and looks at you. You think he’s finally snapped out of it.

“Hello…?” you ask again, this time the man actually turning towards you as you speak.

He mumbles a bit more before managing to form actual words.

“Ah, hello, yeah. Hm, what? Yes, of course…” he says, his head swerving from side to side and eventually ending up looking towards the floor.

You wonder if his ailments extend to his mental state as well, as he doesn’t seem to really be aware of what’s going on. You decide to try and ask him who he is and why he decided to practically crawl all over you.

“Hey!” you shout, trying to shock him out of whatever stupor he’s in. “Who are you? What exactly are you doing here?”

He then jerks back, startled, his eyes going wide as he takes on a surprised expression. He turns to you and meets your gaze again.

“Hm!? Oh, sorry! I… tend to lose myself after such a battle! I- I am Sir Cairn! Loyal knight to the Maiden of Light and Savior of Blaze-Water, at your service!”

He then clumsily throws his arm in front of him, performing a sloppy bow.

You’re not quite sure how to take this. You highly doubt he is, or ever was, a knight, and the sudden transformation from drunken beggar, who could barely manage to stand, to chivalrous “knight” is a bit unsettling. You think about simply moving on to the next car but decide to question him further.

“So... you’re a knight?”

He then brings himself back up from his bow, a pained expression on his face.

“W-why of course! I could regale you for hours with stories of my deeds!”

“Right… then what are you doing here? Why did you ask me for gold?” you ask him, still highly skeptical.

He seems confused, as though what you had asked him what color the sky was.

“Why, I am traveling! I must quest onward and protect my fair lady from threats both near and far. Of course… my lady’s enemies have gone into hiding! I must go forth and seek them out!” he pounds a fist to his chest, heroically.

“The gold is for supplies! Terrors haunt me during my waking hours, but luckily, I have found suitable tonics and draughts that help me ward them away!”

Right, tonics and draughts… you think to yourself, quite sure you know what he’s really been imbibing.

He then moves a bit closer and kneels before you. You move back a bit more wary of his intentions, your head knocking once again into the lantern behind your head.

“If you be a servant of my lady, please… spare me a bit of gold so that I may continue on my quest! I can see your radiance even now!” he pleads.

You’re not entirely sure if anything he says is true. He’s obviously a drunk, but for some reason he has delusions of grandeur and believes he is a knight sent on some quest. You’re pretty sure he doesn’t mean you any harm, but should you give him any gold? It may even be an act, although quite a pitiful one.

What do you do?


Choices:

Vote 1: Do you give him any gold?

A.) Yes, state amount.
B.) No, he can beg elsewhere.
X-1) Other.

Vote 2: Do you move on to the next car or chance resting in this car for the rest of the trip?

A.) Yes, move to the next car.
B.) No, you'll take your chances in here.
X-2) Other.


Z.) Minor action.


STATS:

Current Inventory:

Gold: 15
-Ticket from Hangsmire to Novo. 2nd Class.
-Ticket from Bayton to Respeiro. 1st Class.
-Ticket from Novo to Bayton. 3rd Class.
-Red Discrete Crystal x4
-White Discrete Crystal x2
-Note from “J”
-Bundle of Rope
-Lock-pick.
-Metallic Brooch (Type:?)
-Extra Shirt
-Leather Dress-Boots.
-Hook. Quite large. Three prongs.
-Compass. Points North
-Healing Potion. Will heal all but the most brutal of wounds.


Weapons:
-Revolver. Single Action. Single load. Holds Six Rounds.
-Rounds: x8 (6 in Cylinder)
-Rapier

Apparel:
-Belt & Holster.
-Small Belt-Pouch 1: Contains two revolver rounds
-Small Belt-Pouch 2: Healing Potion.
-Leather dress Gloves. Brown.
-Duster. Down to calves. Khaki.
-Skirt. Down to ankles. Black.
-Blouse. White. Slightly open.
-Vest. Dark Leather.
-Sturdy Boots. Brown Leather.
-Bra. Black. Silk.
-Underwear. Black. Silk.
-Stockings. Transparent. Black.


Abilities/Effects:
-Amnesiac: You have lost your memory and have little understanding of the world.
-Revolver Training: "It ain't much but you're a natural" -Tinder
-

Physical Appearance:
-Duster is unbuttoned.
-Red/Auburn Hair: Little longer than “Shoulder Length”. Let Down.
-Height: ~5’ 7”

Explanation of Sections:
A "*" next to the "STATS" title will denote that there has been a modification since the last post.
A blue + will denote that an item has been gained.
A red - will denote that an item has been lost or destroyed.

Current Inventory: What you have with you.

Weapons: Objects that may be used to inflict harm on opponents. Note, that these are your primary means of damaging an enemy in combat but you may use other items you possess or objects in the environment in creative ways. This includes your bare hands and feet.

Apparel: Clothes that are currently being worn. Any damage will be detailed as well. Clothing not being worn will be held in your inventory. A “???” symbol denotes the knowledge of it being worn, but no specific details are known.

Abilities/Effects: Special abilities possessed by the character. Some may be directly linked with items/pieces of clothing. Also lists passive effects present upon the character, including passive skills and negative conditions.

Physical Appearance: A basic overview of the physical features of your character.
Some aspects may be altered via a minor action if necessary requirements are met (Tying hair up into a ponytail), or against the character’s will depending on the nature of the alteration.
 
Last edited:

Iwanako

Mystic Girl
Joined
Dec 18, 2012
Messages
218
Reputation score
8
Re: Amarant: Unknown Path

I think his delusions are cute, and he deserves five gold to buy supplies.

Also, stay in this wagon. We have little to fear from that man(Except maybe death from laughter if he does more silly stuff), and aside from that it's kind of...void of life, which is a good thing.
 
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