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xXHaseoXx

Tentacle God
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I am really liking the story Kel. Really grabs you. The only thing I would really add/change is sex scene 2. Kissing in MnF games... doesn't work. Ever. I don't think having them kiss is going to make it sexy. It's just going to be two wads of human creating a tube ending in two assholes on both ends. It won't be pretty lol.
 

sandchainz

Evard's Tentacles of Forced Intrusion
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Hey people, I just finished my script for Harper’s Christmas Mission II and I'd love to know what you think of it. ;)


Harper’s Christmas Mission II

Note – to try and avoid confusion, paragraphs with quotation marks “” are meant to be in-game text.


Short Version:
For the last couple of years, Harper has been enjoying life with his new charge and things couldn’t be better. However, an old enemy is about to resurface and Harper is called into action once again.

Long Version:
Scene 1: Introduction

Game starts with Harper and another agent arriving back in the F.T.S.F. hangar. The agent next to Harper is covered in some sort of slime, while Harper himself is completely clean and looking a little smug. The two of them are standing next to a sort of futuristic helicopter.
Harper:

F.T.S.F. Banner:

The hangar and the chopper:



Note for Kosmos – Since the other agent only appears in this scene, you can make them look however you want.

Agent: Urrgh... Thank God that mission’s over.
Harper: Well I told you poking those pods was a bad idea.
Agent: Yea, yeah. Well I really need a drink after that. I’m gonna hit the Drunken Leprechaun after I wash this gunk off. You in?
Harper: Nah. I’m just gonna head home.
Agent: Oh yeah. You got that hot little love toy at home don’t cha? You know I’m still waiting for you to introduce me to her.
Harper: Forget it. You think I’m ever gonna introduce you to a girl after what happened with you and Jay’s cousin?
Agent: Oh come on. It wasn’t that bad. So we lost a couple of toes.
Harper: Exactly. That’s why it’s never gonna happen.

Their conversation is then interrupted by a voice coming through on the speaker system.

Chief: Harper! My Office! Now!
Agent: Uh-oh. If the chief wants to see you, it can’t be good.
Harper: Yeah. I better go see what he wants. I’ll see you later.

Scene 2:
Scene changes to the chief’s office. The chief is a giant muscular Minotaur in a rather sharp suit. He’s sitting behind his desk as Harper comes in.
Chief Tauron:


Harper: Chief Tauron. You wanted to see me sir?
Chief Tauron: Yes Harper. Come in and sit down, there’s something I need to talk to you about.
Harper: Yes sir. What is it?
Chief Tauron: Do you remember your assignment from last year? Where you rescued Santa from the Ice Witch Priscilla.
Harper: Yes sir, I remember. Besides, it’s kind of hard to forget since Priscilla’s now living with me. Is, there now a problem with that?
Chief Tauron: No, that’s not what this is about. This is about her apprentice, Regina.

A thought bubble pops up with an image of Regina the Ice Mage as Harper remembers what she looked like.


Harper: Right. I remember her. She was the one guarding the Flame Sceptre. While I got Santa back to the North Pole, the detention team went in, but she was nowhere to be found. Does this mean she’s resurfaced?
Chief Tauron: Indeed, she has. As you know we’ve been trying to track her movements, and from what little intelligence we’ve been able to gather, since her escape, she’s studied and mastered fire magic, and now she’s known as the ‘Frozen Flame Empress’. She dropped off our radar for a while, but she’s recently re-emerged at Priscilla’s former castle.
Harper: That’s very interesting sir, but I already gave you all the information I could get about her from Priscilla. So, what does this have to do with me?
Chief Tauron: Well, several hours, this note was found outside the facility. It’s address to you.
The Chief holds up an envelope and hands it to Harper. He opens it and reads the note.

“Harper,

Two years ago, you humiliated me and my Mistress. Since then, I have dedicated myself to mastering the power of flames, so the cheap trick you played with the Flame Sceptre shall not work again. And now, I am ready to exact my revenge.
I have taken your precious Sandi Claus and returned to my Mistress’ former domain. You have until midnight on Christmas Eve to face me. Alone.
Fail to comply with any of my demands, and no one will ever see her again.

Regards,
Regina, the Great Frozen Flame Empress.”

Harper: Oh my god.
Chief Tauron: Naturally, we’re taking this very seriously. A few of the bureaucratic big wigs wanted to just send in a swat team. We sent a drone to survey the area, and it showed that she’s set up a barrier that will alert her if anyone other than you approaches. So if we try to send anyone else in, she’ll know and disappear before they can even get close to the castle. So right now, you’re our only hope.
Harper: Me? But... I was only able to beat her last time because of the fire crystal I got from Sandi. And since she’s no longer vulnerable to fire, how am I supposed to beat her?
Chief Tauron: Given the severity of the situation, I’ve had a word with the brass, and they’ve agreed to grant you temporary access to some relics from the restricted vault.
Chief Tauron: While her mastering fire magic has removed her vulnerability to it, it did open her up to a new weakness, lightning magic. So, you’ll be given two pieces from the vault. The first is Stormwalker, a spear forged by Hephaestus and infused with the same lightning as Zeus’ thunderbolts. The other is a Mirror shield. The shield has an enchantment on it that will reflect most magic back at the caster. These will give you your best chance against her.
Harper: Hmph. I guess this is why you insist upon us being trained in all forms of weapons and combat.
Chief Tauron: Exactly. I want all of my agents to have the best chance of coming home. Now head downstairs and gear up, there’s already a chopper prepped and waiting for you. And Harper, good luck.

Scene 3:
“After collecting Stormwalker and the Mirror shield from the vault, Harper went up to the launch bay, boarded the chopper and set off for the Ice castle.”


Scene changes to the throne room of the castle. Harper now has Stormwalker and the Mirror shield. He is standing before the Frozen Flame Empress, who is sitting on the throne.
Stormwalker Spear:

Mirror Shield:


The Frozen Flame Empress, Regina:

A close up of her eye make-up:

The throne room:


Regina: Hmph. So, you actually showed up. I’m not sure if that makes you brave or foolish.
Harper: Alright, well I’m here now. I’m the one you want, so let Sandi go.
Regina: Hm-hm-hm... No.
Regina: I fully intend to keep her. She’s just too cute of a toy to simply let go.
Harper: She has nothing to do with this. Let her go. Now!
Regina: Do you really think you are in a position to make demands?
Regina: Let me tell you what is going to happen. First, I shall eliminate you for the humiliation you made me suffer and turning my strong, beautiful Mistress into your obedient pet.
Regina: And once I have disposed of you, I’m going to go down to my new love dungeon to play with my new toy. And I’m going to ‘play’ with her till she loves it. Who knows, I might just make her my apprentice. Now why don’t you be a good boy, and accept your fate.
Harper: And let her become like you? I don’t think so. I’m leaving her with Sandi one way or the other.
Regina: Ha-ha-ha. Defiant until the end. Let’s see how long you last against my new power.

“With that, Regina rose from her throne while unleashing a volley of flames and huge chunks of ice straight at Harper. Diving out of the way, Harper took shelter behind a column as the barrage of fire and ice impacted where he’d just been standing. Having dodged her first attack, Harper prepared Stormwalker to counter attack. As he peered around the column, he saw Regina preparing to launch a huge fireball.”
“As it came hurtling towards him, Harper dove from his hiding spot just before it crashed into the column, shattering it and sending shards of ice flying in all directions. Raising the Mirror shield, Harper was able to protect himself from most of the flying shards, though it wasn’t large enough to block all of them. A few merely cut and scraped him, but one embedded itself into his leg.”
“As he grimaced in pain, he looked up just in time to see Regina about to unleash a torrent of flames in his direction. Bringing the shield up again, the enchantment upon it reflected Regina’s flames back towards her, forcing her to leap out of the way. Ceasing the opportunity, Harper readied Stormwalker and launched an attack of his own, blasting her with a huge bolt of lightning.”
“After the lightning strike, Harper watched as Regina shakily got back to her feet, glaring angrily at him. Raising a hand above her head, Regina formed several javelins of ice and launched them at Harper. Harper dodged the first few by rolling out of the way and used the mirror shield to deflect the last one. Raising Stormwalker once again, Harper launched another bolt of lightning.”
“Despite her weakened state, Regina was able to avoid the attack by summoning a wall of ice. For the next several minutes, the two continues to exchange blows. Soon, the throne room was decimated and the two of them ragged and tired. Bringing Stormwalker up once more, Harper launched one more bolt. This time, Regina was unable to avoid it and she went down, too exhausted to stand back up.”

Scene changes to the defeated Regina slumped on the ground, leaning on the throne in the now battle damaged throne room. Both of them look battered and bruised and their clothes are torn.

Regina, thinking to herself: (No... How... How could I lose to him again? Is... Is he really that strong? Is that why Mistress Priscilla submitted to him so willingly?)
Harper: Alright Regina, it’s over. Now where’s Sandi?
Regina: N-no. You... You are not the victor yet. I... refuse to yield.
Harper: Alright. I guess I’ll have to put you in your place again.

Sex Scene 1
Regina leans against the throne as Harper fucks her arse while holding her hair.
Position example:

Anal – Hot-dogging (Harper rubs his cock between her butt cheeks), Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums inside her arse.

Scene 4:
“After finally subduing Regina, she told Harper where Sandi was being held. Before going down to get her, he secured Regina so she wouldn’t be able to escape before the detention team arrived to collect her. Once she was secure, Harper went down to find Sandi secured in Regina’s sex dungeon. After getting her out of there, they went back to the chopper and Harper took off to take her home.”

Scene changes to Harper and Sandi inside of the chopper as they’re flying through the air.
Sandi Claus:


Sandi: Harper, are you sure you’re ok?
Harper: Don’t worry Sandi, I’m fine. I’ve been in worse states before. And I have the scars to prove it. What about you? You sure everything’s ok?
Sandi: Yes, I’m sure. She didn’t really do anything overly bad to me.
Harper: Really? If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly did she do to you?
Sandi: Well... After she kidnapped me, she took me straight to that room and strapped me into that bed. She... just got a few of her... ‘toys’ out when her barrier detected you arriving. Though, before she went to wait for you, she left a vibrator running against me.
Harper: Whoa. That’s... Uhh... That’s... Actually, I’m not sure what that is.
Sandi: Yeah. Having that going on the entire time I was listening to your battle was driving me crazy.
Sandi: Though, that does remind me. After what happened last year, I was kinda expecting you to call me or something. But I guess you were busy with the gift I got you.
Harper: Yeah, she has been keeping me pretty busy.
Sandi: Well, we have some time right now, if you’re feeling up to it.
Harper: Well, I guess I could put the ship on auto-pilot till we reach the North Pole.

Sex Scene 2
Sandi climbs onto Harpers lap and she kisses him as she rides his cock.
Position example:

Vaginal – Rub, Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums inside her pussy.

Scene 5:
“Once Sandi was safely home, Harper returned to base and returned Stormwalker and the Mirror shield to the vault. After the medic patched him up, Chief Tauron congratulated him on a job well done and sent him home on medical leave to recover.”

Scene changes to Harper arriving back at his house, with his injuries bandaged up.
Harper: Hey, Priscilla. I’m back.

A speech bubble pops up from off screen.
Priscilla: Oh, welcome home Master Harper.

Priscilla comes into the room, and she’s wearing a new outfit.


Priscilla: How was your... Oh my. Are you alright Master? What happened?
Harper: Don’t worry, I’m fine. Your former apprentice kidnapped Sandi Claus and I had to go in alone to save her.
Priscilla: Oh my. I’m... I’m so sorry Master. I should have done more to help you catch her. It’s my fault you got hurt.
Harper: Hey, you gave us all the information you could. You shouldn’t blame yourself. This wasn’t your fault.
Priscilla: Thank you Master. Is there anything you need or want from me?
Harper: Not right now. I’m just gonna head to my room and lie down for a bit.
Priscilla: Of course Master. I’ll get dinner started while you rest. I’ll come and wake you when it’s ready.

“After sleeping for a couple of hours, Priscilla went to wake Harper. When she entered his room, rather than simply waking him, she decided to use a more fun method that she preferred.”

Sex Scene 3
Priscilla lies between Harpers legs, wraps her tits around his cock as she sucks it.
Position example:

Blowjob – Lick Tip, Easy, Medium, Hard
Titfuck – Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums in her mouth and over her tits.

Scene 6:
“About a week into his medical leave, Harper gets a surprise visitor.”

Scene changes to Chief Tauron standing by Harper’s front door being greeted by Priscilla.

Priscilla: Good morning Chief Tauron. Are you here to see Master Harper?
Chief Tauron: Yes Priscilla. Would you please go and fetch him.
Priscilla: Of course sir. I shall bring him right away.

Priscilla leaves, and a moment later, she returns with Harper.

Harper: Hey there Chief. I wasn’t expecting to see you till my leave was over. What’s going on?
Chief Tauron: Well Harper, there’s been an interesting development. You know what they say about lightning?
Harper: Yeah, that it never strikes twice. What does that have to do with anything?
Chief Tauron: Well, you seem to be the exception to the rule.
Harper: Huh? What are you talking about sir?
Chief Tauron: Well, I’m not sure why, but for whatever reason, when you subdued Priscilla here, she went from being one of our greatest potential threats, to being completely and utterly subservient to you. And now, it would seem it has happened again.
Priscilla: Um, sir? May I ask what you mean by that?
Chief Tauron: Well, while you were taking Sandi home, the detention team went in and this time Regina was actually detained. She’s been in detention since then, though a few days ago, she started acting oddly. It would seem that, just like Priscilla, she’s become subservient to you. Our top shrinks examined her after she started, and they determined that she isn’t faking.
Chief Tauron: The reason I’m here is because she’s started to become quite distraught about being kept separate from you. While the brass wants her locked up, they have to put her well being first. So, given how well you’ve done with Priscilla, I want to know if you’d be willing to keep an eye on Regina as well.
Harper: Seriously? The brass is ok with this?
Chief Tauron: Not completely. But given your record, they can accept it since she’ll be in the charge of a capable agent. So, what’s it going to be?
Harper: Hmm, I’m not sure. What do you think Priscilla?
Priscilla: Well, I suppose it would be nice to have company while you’re out on your assignments. But the choice is completely yours Master.
Harper: Hmm... Well, I gotta admit I often feel guilty leaving you here on your own when I head out on jobs, with no real idea how long I’m gonna be gone. Plus I feel I can trust you to keep her in line for me.
Harper: You know what Chief, sure, I’ll take her.
Chief Tauron: Alright then. I’ll get the paperwork started and she should be ready to move in in a few days.

“Several days later, all the paperwork was filed and Regina was escorted to Harper’s home.”

Scene changes to Regina standing in Harper’s front room, with Harper and Priscilla.

Regina: Hello Master Harper, thank you for accepting me. And hello Mistress Priscilla, it’s good to see you again.
Priscilla: Hello Regina. It’s good to see you again too. Though, you don’t need to call me ‘Mistress’ anymore.
Regina: Of course. My apologies. Have you been faring well?
Priscilla: Yes, I’ve been quite well. Master Harper has been most kind to me, and I have enjoyed my time with immensely.
Regina: Good. I am glad to hear it.
Harper: Sorry to interrupt. But I find all of this kind of hard to believe.
Regina: Wh-what do you mean Master?
Harper: Well, for the last two years you were preparing to try and kill me, and then you actually attempted to less than two weeks ago. And now you’re in my home because you say that now you want to be with me.
Priscilla: Well, to be fair Master, you were suspicious of me when I first came to live with you. But you trust me now, right?
Harper: Yeah, I do now. And, I guess you make a good point.
Priscilla: So, does that mean you’re going to give her a chance?
Harper: Well, I did agree to let you stay here, so I guess I already have.
Regina: Thank you Master Harper. I promise you, you shan’t regret your decision.
Priscilla: This is going to be so much fun. Master, why don’t we give Regina a properly welcome to her new home?

“5 minutes later, in Harper’s bedroom.”

Sex Scene 4
Regina lies on the bed and Priscilla kneels over her as Harper fucks both of them.
Position example:

Regina Vaginal – Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Priscilla Vaginal – Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums inside both of their pussies.

“Merry Christmas Everyone.”

End of game.
Options to play again and to repeat sex scenes.
Not going to give an detailed critic, only the general opinion.
The story is borring. And the sex scenes are very similar (almost the same as in the first game) which sucks. Sorry.
 

Kelumir

Cthulhu
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Not going to give an detailed critic, only the general opinion.
The story is borring. And the sex scenes are very similar (almost the same as in the first game) which sucks. Sorry.
Ok, I'll admit, there are some similarities between the sex scenes of the two games.
The first scenes both feature Regina, but the first one was missionary, whereas the new one is doggy-style and Regina does have a new look.
Scene 2 for the first one was reverse cowgirl with Priscilla, whereas in the new one it's cowgirl with Sandi.
Scene 3 for the first one was reverse Sandi making Priscilla give a titjob while kneeling, whereas in the new one she giving Harper a titjob and blowjob willingly while lying down.
And while both of the 4th scenes are threesomes, the first one was Harper fucking Sandi reverse cowgirl with Priscilla licking his cock and her pussy, whereas in the new one it's Priscilla and Regina lying down as he fucks both of them.

There are similarities, but no two are completely identical. Though if you think you know what would be better for any of the scenes (except for scene 4, I'm going to get that position in eventually), I'd like to hear them.

And I feel I'm going to regret asking this, but why do you find the story boring?
 

sandchainz

Evard's Tentacles of Forced Intrusion
Joined
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Ok, I'll admit, there are some similarities between the sex scenes of the two games.
The first scenes both feature Regina, but the first one was missionary, whereas the new one is doggy-style and Regina does have a new look.
Scene 2 for the first one was reverse cowgirl with Priscilla, whereas in the new one it's cowgirl with Sandi.
Scene 3 for the first one was reverse Sandi making Priscilla give a titjob while kneeling, whereas in the new one she giving Harper a titjob and blowjob willingly while lying down.
And while both of the 4th scenes are threesomes, the first one was Harper fucking Sandi reverse cowgirl with Priscilla licking his cock and her pussy, whereas in the new one it's Priscilla and Regina lying down as he fucks both of them.

There are similarities, but no two are completely identical. Though if you think you know what would be better for any of the scenes (except for scene 4, I'm going to get that position in eventually), I'd like to hear them.

And I feel I'm going to regret asking this, but why do you find the story boring?
Well, this idea feels like the exact copy of the first game, just that you substitued ice queen by ice mage and Santa by his daughter. it feelslike a copy/parody of the first one, which is not interesting, you could change it making some different story instead of making the kidnapping once again.

Sex scenes are way too similar: in the first one Harper fucked ice quenn on the throne anally, now it's the same but with ice mage. You made ice queen do him a titjob while we had the same scene with in the first game, except that in the first game Sandi was behind her. We had a reverse cowgirl position for Sandi in the first game now you made it a normal cowgirl position.
 

swordshield

Tentacle Monster
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Hey people, I just finished my script for Harper’s Christmas Mission II and I'd love to know what you think of it. ;)
Well if you insist on hearing my bitch fit.

With that, Regina rose from her throne while unleashing a volley of flames and huge chunks of ice straight at Harper. Diving out of the way, Harper took shelter behind a column as the barrage of fire and ice impacted where he’d just been standing. Having dodged her first attack, Harper prepared Stormwalker to counter attack. As he peered around the column, he saw Regina preparing to launch a huge fireball.”
“As it came hurtling towards him, Harper dove from his hiding spot just before it crashed into the column, shattering it and sending shards of ice flying in all directions. Raising the Mirror shield, Harper was able to protect himself from most of the flying shards, though it wasn’t large enough to block all of them. A few merely cut and scraped him, but one embedded itself into his leg.”
“As he grimaced in pain, he looked up just in time to see Regina about to unleash a torrent of flames in his direction. Bringing the shield up again, the enchantment upon it reflected Regina’s flames back towards her, forcing her to leap out of the way. Ceasing the opportunity, Harper readied Stormwalker and launched an attack of his own, blasting her with a huge bolt of lightning.”
“After the lightning strike, Harper watched as Regina shakily got back to her feet, glaring angrily at him. Raising a hand above her head, Regina formed several javelins of ice and launched them at Harper. Harper dodged the first few by rolling out of the way and used the mirror shield to deflect the last one. Raising Stormwalker once again, Harper launched another bolt of lightning.”
“Despite her weakened state, Regina was able to avoid the attack by summoning a wall of ice. For the next several minutes, the two continues to exchange blows. Soon, the throne room was decimated and the two of them ragged and tired. Bringing Stormwalker up once more, Harper launched one more bolt. This time, Regina was unable to avoid it and she went down, too exhausted to stand back up.”

Scene changes to the defeated Regina slumped on the ground, leaning on the throne in the now battle damaged throne room. Both of them look battered and bruised and their clothes are torn.

Regina, thinking to herself: (No... How... How could I lose to him again? Is... Is he really that strong? Is that why Mistress Priscilla submitted to him so willingly?)
Harper: Alright Regina, it’s over. Now where’s Sandi?
Regina: N-no. You... You are not the victor yet. I... refuse to yield.
Harper: Alright. I guess I’ll have to put you in your place again.
This really shouldn't be a bad thing at all, but don't you think this entire scene is too ambitious for it's own good? Yeah I know, kettle called pot black, but I seriously doubt Kosmos is going to even bother animate such a scene. As cool & detail it is, Kosmos won't animate the scene. Sorry to tell like that.

Sex Scene 1
Regina leans against the throne as Harper fucks her arse while holding her hair.
Position example:

Anal – Hot-dogging (Harper rubs his cock between her butt cheeks), Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums inside her arse.
I really like this position because of how brutal it looks. I hope Kosmos keeps the hair pulling since it gives you that hardcore sex vibe.



Sex Scene 2
Sandi climbs onto Harpers lap and she kisses him as she rides his cock.
Position example:

Vaginal – Rub, Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums inside her pussy.
This position looks really hot. I always like it when there's 2 action happening at once. Nice one, Kel

Scene 5:
“Once Sandi was safely home, Harper returned to base and returned Stormwalker and the Mirror shield to the vault. After the medic patched him up, Chief Tauron congratulated him on a job well done and sent him home on medical leave to recover.”

Scene changes to Harper arriving back at his house, with his injuries bandaged up.
Harper: Hey, Priscilla. I’m back.

A speech bubble pops up from off screen.
Priscilla: Oh, welcome home Master Harper.

Priscilla comes into the room, and she’s wearing a new outfit.


Priscilla: How was your... Oh my. Are you alright Master? What happened?
Harper: Don’t worry, I’m fine. Your former apprentice kidnapped Sandi Claus and I had to go in alone to save her.
Priscilla: Oh my. I’m... I’m so sorry Master. I should have done more to help you catch her. It’s my fault you got hurt.
Harper: Hey, you gave us all the information you could. You shouldn’t blame yourself. This wasn’t your fault.
Priscilla: Thank you Master. Is there anything you need or want from me?
Harper: Not right now. I’m just gonna head to my room and lie down for a bit.
Priscilla: Of course Master. I’ll get dinner started while you rest. I’ll come and wake you when it’s ready.

“After sleeping for a couple of hours, Priscilla went to wake Harper. When she entered his room, rather than simply waking him, she decided to use a more fun method that she preferred.”
I feel this a tad longer than it should be, but I'm sure I'm just nitpicking here.

Sex Scene 3
Priscilla lies between Harpers legs, wraps her tits around his cock as she sucks it.
Position example:

Blowjob – Lick Tip, Easy, Medium, Hard
Titfuck – Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums in her mouth and over her tits.
I like titjobs as much as the next guy, but this is probably going to the most straight forward out of all of them. There's nothing wrong with position, it's more MNF's fault for always having the women animate in a symmetrical movement. They rarely alternate the motion which in turn nearly makes them look stiff. Again, not saying the tit fucking is bad, but I'm saying MNF is just going to do the same titjob as they always do.

Scene 6:
“About a week into his medical leave, Harper gets a surprise visitor.”

Scene changes to Chief Tauron standing by Harper’s front door being greeted by Priscilla.

Priscilla: Good morning Chief Tauron. Are you here to see Master Harper?
Chief Tauron: Yes Priscilla. Would you please go and fetch him.
Priscilla: Of course sir. I shall bring him right away.

Priscilla leaves, and a moment later, she returns with Harper.

Harper: Hey there Chief. I wasn’t expecting to see you till my leave was over. What’s going on?
Chief Tauron: Well Harper, there’s been an interesting development. You know what they say about lightning?
Harper: Yeah, that it never strikes twice. What does that have to do with anything?
Chief Tauron: Well, you seem to be the exception to the rule.
Harper: Huh? What are you talking about sir?
Chief Tauron: Well, I’m not sure why, but for whatever reason, when you subdued Priscilla here, she went from being one of our greatest potential threats, to being completely and utterly subservient to you. And now, it would seem it has happened again.
Priscilla: Um, sir? May I ask what you mean by that?
Chief Tauron: Well, while you were taking Sandi home, the detention team went in and this time Regina was actually detained. She’s been in detention since then, though a few days ago, she started acting oddly. It would seem that, just like Priscilla, she’s become subservient to you. Our top shrinks examined her after she started, and they determined that she isn’t faking.
Chief Tauron: The reason I’m here is because she’s started to become quite distraught about being kept separate from you. While the brass wants her locked up, they have to put her well being first. So, given how well you’ve done with Priscilla, I want to know if you’d be willing to keep an eye on Regina as well.
Harper: Seriously? The brass is ok with this?
Chief Tauron: Not completely. But given your record, they can accept it since she’ll be in the charge of a capable agent. So, what’s it going to be?
Harper: Hmm, I’m not sure. What do you think Priscilla?
Priscilla: Well, I suppose it would be nice to have company while you’re out on your assignments. But the choice is completely yours Master.
Harper: Hmm... Well, I gotta admit I often feel guilty leaving you here on your own when I head out on jobs, with no real idea how long I’m gonna be gone. Plus I feel I can trust you to keep her in line for me.
Harper: You know what Chief, sure, I’ll take her.
Chief Tauron: Alright then. I’ll get the paperwork started and she should be ready to move in in a few days.

“Several days later, all the paperwork was filed and Regina was escorted to Harper’s home.”

Scene changes to Regina standing in Harper’s front room, with Harper and Priscilla.

Regina: Hello Master Harper, thank you for accepting me. And hello Mistress Priscilla, it’s good to see you again.
Priscilla: Hello Regina. It’s good to see you again too. Though, you don’t need to call me ‘Mistress’ anymore.
Regina: Of course. My apologies. Have you been faring well?
Priscilla: Yes, I’ve been quite well. Master Harper has been most kind to me, and I have enjoyed my time with immensely.
Regina: Good. I am glad to hear it.
Harper: Sorry to interrupt. But I find all of this kind of hard to believe.
Regina: Wh-what do you mean Master?
Harper: Well, for the last two years you were preparing to try and kill me, and then you actually attempted to less than two weeks ago. And now you’re in my home because you say that now you want to be with me.
Priscilla: Well, to be fair Master, you were suspicious of me when I first came to live with you. But you trust me now, right?
Harper: Yeah, I do now. And, I guess you make a good point.
Priscilla: So, does that mean you’re going to give her a chance?
Harper: Well, I did agree to let you stay here, so I guess I already have.
Regina: Thank you Master Harper. I promise you, you shan’t regret your decision.
Priscilla: This is going to be so much fun. Master, why don’t we give Regina a properly welcome to her new home?

“5 minutes later, in Harper’s bedroom.
I feel like this scene gone longer than it should have. I don't really see why Taurus actually gotta explain what's happening here. I feel like you should just have Regina escape F.T.S.F & go directly to Harper (even walking in the 3rd sex scene) & just tell him how much she wanna have sex with him. After that you could have the narration text explain on what's happening by saying Harper called Taurus & explain the situation with Taurus agreeing that Harper should just look after Regina & then have transition to the scene Regina's dialogue with Priscilla & Harper & move onto the last sex scene.

Sex Scene 4
Regina lies on the bed and Priscilla kneels over her as Harper fucks both of them.
Position example:

Regina Vaginal – Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Priscilla Vaginal – Easy, Medium, Hard, Cum
Harper cums inside both of their pussies.

“Merry Christmas Everyone.”

End of game.
Options to play again and to repeat sex scenes.[/spoiler]
My favorite out of all them, but you should have Regina & Priscilla make out while Harper fucks them.


I thoroughly enjoy this sequel, which would mean there might be something with the script. I tend to be in the minority whenever I like a game. I'm pretty sure the only exception is when it's a Zelda game or the NC series.

Which brings me to this conclusion. This might be the stupidest criticism but it looks the biggest problem with your draft is that you're too ambitious. I don't Kosmos is going even bother adding half of the things you have in your draft, but that's mostly the action scene. I do think the transition of the sex scene is weird. The entire I'm reading the story it sounds every sex scene has an 8 hour gap between them. Just feels odd, but it's not a deal breaker. I do highly approve of all your sex scenes, not a single one I want to change as so much I wanted to add.

Overall I thought this sounded really good. Good luck.
 
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Kelumir

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Well, I’m sorry you don’t like the plot, but I am happy with it and I’m not going to be rewriting it.

Sex scenes are way too similar: in the first one Harper fucked ice quenn on the throne anally, now it's the same but with ice mage. You made ice queen do him a titjob while we had the same scene with in the first game, except that in the first game Sandi was behind her. We had a reverse cowgirl position for Sandi in the first game now you made it a normal cowgirl position.
If you have suggestions for alternate positions, tell me.

This really shouldn't be a bad thing at all, but don't you think this entire scene is too ambitious for it's own good? Yeah I know, kettle called pot black, but I seriously doubt Kosmos is going to even bother animate such a scene. As cool & detail it is, Kosmos won't animate the scene. Sorry to tell like that.
No, I don’t expect him to animate any of it. I expect him to include all the text in boxes like he did in for the fight between Tilda and the Demon Lord in Hellbound Boobies.

I feel this a tad longer than it should be, but I'm sure I'm just nitpicking here.
Hmm... I guess I could condense it down a little by combining a couple of the sentences. Or perhaps change it so that when Harper first comes in he says he just want to rest now and he’ll tell her later.

I feel like this scene gone longer than it should have. I don't really see why Taurus actually gotta explain what's happening here. I feel like you should just have Regina escape F.T.S.F & go directly to Harper (even walking in the 3rd sex scene) & just tell him how much she wanna have sex with him. After that you could have the narration text explain on what's happening by saying Harper called Taurus & explain the situation with Taurus agreeing that Harper should just look after Regina & then have transition to the scene Regina's dialogue with Priscilla & Harper & move onto the last sex scene.
A reasonable alternative, but I feel the F.T.S.F.’s security would be enough to hold her. What if I were to simply condense the part with Tauron into a text box or two?
 

sandchainz

Evard's Tentacles of Forced Intrusion
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If you have suggestions for alternate positions, tell me.
If I don't like the idea then obviously I'm not interested in suggesting secenes cuz I'm not going to vote it up, sorry.

 

swordshield

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I'm sure that most of you were waiting for THIS
Officer Juggs Ghost Fucker
It's a game where Serega puts his A game on. So I guess I was.


No, I don’t expect him to animate any of it. I expect him to include all the text in boxes like he did in for the fight between Tilda and the Demon Lord in Hellbound Boobies.
I'm not sure a wall of text is all that good idea, but it shouldn't be deal breaker either. Not to mention it's nowhere as bad it was in Hellbound.


Hmm... I guess I could condense it down a little by combining a couple of the sentences. Or perhaps change it so that when Harper first comes in he says he just want to rest now and he’ll tell her later.
Again, nitpicking on my part.


A reasonable alternative, but I feel the F.T.S.F.’s security would be enough to hold her. What if I were to simply condense the part with Tauron into a text box or two?
You gotta remember that you're writing a erotic fic here. Don't worry about your security forces' credibility if it means the plot flows better because of it. As for the part with Tauron, I guess I would actually have to read it to give a better critique.
 

Kelumir

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I'm not sure a wall of text is all that good idea, but it shouldn't be deal breaker either. Not to mention it's nowhere as bad it was in Hellbound.
Give me some credit Sword. It’s not all just one big solid wall of text. It’s several small paragraphs that could come up one at a time. Each paragraph is indicated by the quotation marks “”. Look, I’ll post it with gaps between the paragraphs if that makes it easier to see.

“With that, Regina rose from her throne while unleashing a volley of flames and huge chunks of ice straight at Harper. Diving out of the way, Harper took shelter behind a column as the barrage of fire and ice impacted where he’d just been standing. Having dodged her first attack, Harper prepared Stormwalker to counter attack. As he peered around the column, he saw Regina preparing to launch a huge fireball.”

“As it came hurtling towards him, Harper dove from his hiding spot just before it crashed into the column, shattering it and sending shards of ice flying in all directions. Raising the Mirror shield, Harper was able to protect himself from most of the flying shards, though it wasn’t large enough to block all of them. A few merely cut and scraped him, but one embedded itself into his leg.”

“As he grimaced in pain, he looked up just in time to see Regina about to unleash a torrent of flames in his direction. Bringing the shield up again, the enchantment upon it reflected Regina’s flames back towards her, forcing her to leap out of the way. Ceasing the opportunity, Harper readied Stormwalker and launched an attack of his own, blasting her with a huge bolt of lightning.”

“After the lightning strike, Harper watched as Regina shakily got back to her feet, glaring angrily at him. Raising a hand above her head, Regina formed several javelins of ice and launched them at Harper. Harper dodged the first few by rolling out of the way and used the mirror shield to deflect the last one. Raising Stormwalker once again, Harper launched another bolt of lightning.”

“Despite her weakened state, Regina was able to avoid the attack by summoning a wall of ice. For the next several minutes, the two continues to exchange blows. Soon, the throne room was decimated and the two of them ragged and tired. Bringing Stormwalker up once more, Harper launched one more bolt. This time, Regina was unable to avoid it and she went down, too exhausted to stand back up.”


Again, nitpicking on my part.
Scene 5:
“Once Sandi was safely home, Harper returned to base and returned Stormwalker and the Mirror shield to the vault. After the medic patched him up, Chief Tauron congratulated him on a job well done and sent him home on medical leave to recover.”

Scene changes to Harper arriving back at his house, with his injuries bandaged up.
Harper: Hey, Priscilla. I’m back.

A speech bubble pops up from off screen.
Priscilla: Oh, welcome home Master Harper.

Priscilla comes into the room, and she’s wearing a new outfit.


Priscilla: How was your... Oh my. Are you alright Master? What happened?
Harper: Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’ll tell you about it later, but right now I’m just gonna head to my room and lie down for a bit.
Priscilla: Of course Master. I’ll get dinner started while you rest. I’ll come and wake you when it’s ready.

“After sleeping for a couple of hours, Priscilla went to wake Harper. When she entered his room, rather than simply waking him, she decided to use a more fun method that she preferred.”



You gotta remember that you're writing a erotic fic here. Don't worry about your security forces' credibility if it means the plot flows better because of it. As for the part with Tauron, I guess I would actually have to read it to give a better critique.
You... didn’t even read it. *Facepalms.*
Well, anyway, here’s the revised part with a few paragraphs replacing Tauron. I’m sure it could still be a little shorter, but it is shorter than the original.

Scene 6:
“About a week into his medical leave, Harper gets a surprise visit from Chief Tauron. Since Harper wasn’t expecting to see him till his leave was over, he asked what was going on. Chief Tauron went on to explain that, a few days after she was detained, Regina had started to act oddly. Apparently, just like Priscilla, she had become subservient to Harper. And examination from their top shrinks determined that she wasn’t faking.”

“Chief Tauron went on to explain that the reason he was there was because Regina had started to become quite distraught about being kept separate from him. While the brass wants to keep her locked up, they had to put her well being first. So, reluctantly, given his record and how well he’s done with Priscilla, they agreed to allow Harper to take charge of Regina as well. That is, assuming he is willing to. Not quite sure what to make of it, Harper asked if he could have some time to think about it. Tauron said he could have a little time, but he’d need his decision soon.”

“Over the next couple of days, Harper contemplated what to do. Asking Priscilla what her thoughts were, she it would be nice to have company while Harper was out on assignments, though the choice was ultimately his. In the end, he decided to take charge of her and contacted Tauron who got the paperwork started. A few days later, all the paperwork was filed and Regina was escorted to Harper’s home.”

Scene changes to Regina standing in Harper’s front room, with Harper and Priscilla.

Regina: Hello Master Harper, thank you for accepting me. And hello Mistress Priscilla, it’s good to see you again.
Priscilla: Hello Regina. It’s good to see you again too. Though, you don’t need to call me ‘Mistress’ anymore.
Regina: Of course. My apologies. Have you been faring well?
Priscilla: Yes, I’ve been quite well. Master Harper has been most kind to me, and I have enjoyed my time with immensely.
Regina: Good. I am glad to hear it.
Harper: Sorry to interrupt. But I find all of this kind of hard to believe.
Regina: Wh-what do you mean Master?
Harper: Well, for the last two years you were preparing to try and kill me, and then you actually attempted to less than two weeks ago. And now you’re in my home because you say that now you want to be with me.
Priscilla: Well, to be fair Master, you were suspicious of me when I first came to live with you. But you trust me now, right?
Harper: Yeah, I do now. And, I guess you make a good point.
Priscilla: So, does that mean you’re going to give her a chance?
Harper: Well, I did agree to let you stay here, so I guess I already have.
Regina: Thank you Master Harper. I promise you, you shan’t regret your decision.
Priscilla: This is going to be so much fun. Master, why don’t we give Regina a properly welcome to her new home?

“5 minutes later, in Harper’s bedroom.”
 

swordshield

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Give me some credit Sword. It’s not all just one big solid wall of text. It’s several small paragraphs that could come up one at a time. Each paragraph is indicated by the quotation marks “”. Look, I’ll post it with gaps between the paragraphs if that makes it easier to see.
OK, I exaggerated when I say "wall of text", but the point was in comparison to Hellbouds


You... didn’t even read it. *Facepalms.*
Well, anyway, here’s the revised part with a few paragraphs replacing Tauron. I’m sure it could still be a little shorter, but it is shorter than the original.
I did read it, that's why I said it. I'm aware Harper defeated Priscilla, I just think it would still flow better if she escape. & Yes the revision is better.
 
OP
xXHaseoXx

xXHaseoXx

Tentacle God
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No surprise here but Officer Juggs won the poll lol. She won many other things but you will have to wait to see the pictures. Enjoy!

 

rainbowtwist

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I'm sure that most of you were waiting for THIS
Officer Juggs Ghost Fucker
Woah. Thanks once again Sandchainz. This and "Chloes new job as pizza delivery girl" are games that we definitely need :)
 
OP
xXHaseoXx

xXHaseoXx

Tentacle God
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Here comes some more pictures for Officer Juggs. I made extra ones so you guys might enjoy more of Juggs lol.



Enjoy you bastards!
 
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