Re: Epic Quotes
"Personally, at this point, I'd only consider buying The Darkness if it came down to budget price. And they threw in another, better game. ...And some cake. ...And Belgium." - The Darkness Demo
"Let me just transcribe my thought process at the time. "Dum de dum. Well this isn't very scary. Oh look, physics! I can throw chairs around like a removal man who completely stopped giving a shit. Doors blowing open in the wind? Yawn-o-rama. Guess I'll just look upstairs then I might as well play Halo: Reach little bit. Nope, nothing much up here either. I'll just go back and... Woah, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know but it looked cross about something so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead. Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?! AUGH RUN RUN RUN RUN I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP OH PISSING BLIMEY THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS" - Amnesia; The Dark Descent
"Never stick your dick in a pudding. Yeah it might still be good pudding and you can spend all day explaining it but nobody's gonna eat it because YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT." - Prince of Persia Retrospective
"So in the name of keeping things nice and clear for you touchy sods, let me be as unambiguous as possible in this critique: Mindjack is FUCKING. FUCKING. FUCKING. FUCKING. BAD. BAD. BAD. BAD. DON'T. DON'T. DON'T. DON'T play it!" - Mindjack
"The weapons are a bold effort to escape the usual lineup of melee, pistol, shotgun, machine gun, rocket launcher, and overpowered exotic thing that you never get any ammo for and only use in boss fights anyway. The default melee weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating blade arangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie Braindead. That's Dead-Alive if you're American and fat. As for the guns, I could mention the hugely satisfying penis-extension gun that pins baddies to walls with entire trees, but all you really need to know is that there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up; it shoots shurikens and lightning. It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire." - Painkiller
"Anyway, fuck you if you want a story; here's your story: demons over there, KILL THEY ASS. Among Japanese games, Ninja Gaiden II is almost unique in its immediacy. It has none of that Metal Gear Solid bullshit of cutscene dialogue that could fill a modest paperback. None of that Devil May Cry cockpiddle where the cinematics selfishly hog all the fun. None of that Zelda... erm... applesauce where you spend the first six hours on a starting island learning the subtle arts of waving a sharp stick around going Yah!" - Ninja Gaiden 2
"Silent Hill 2 is very good at telling a story without words. Everything is drenched in symbolism, the basic monsters are all suspiciously effeminate, with the exception of Pyramid Head, in his first appearance before he totally sold out, an uber-masculine powerhouse repeatedly seen plunging his massive throbbing knife into the other monsters' moist quivering bodies, which obviously symbolizes...neo-conservative imperialism. You start to think that James' nightmare might be entirely of his own creation, as if the town is just handing him a set of jump leads and watching as he sticks them on his balls. It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like fucking a burning dolphin." - Silent Hill 2
"I strongly advise not trying to follow the story on your first run-through, there are some things for which the human mind just isn't equipped. Bayonetta was found at the bottom of a river twenty years ago and now works with demons from Hell to kill angels, who are apparently evil because they keep attacking Bayonetta because she keeps attacking them. The baddies or possibly the goodies are trying to resurrect some big evil god thing which is linked to some ancient clan of witches and rival clan of sages and some associated evil corporation who presumably felt a bit left out. And there's this guy in a Harry Potter scarf who wants to either kill Bayonetta or bone her silly, and there's this little girl who's either Bayonetta's daughter or a younger version of herself - AAAARGH! Sometimes I miss the old Pac-Man storytelling method: eat pills, avoid ghosts. That's it. Only sometimes you can eat ghosts as well if you - AAARGH!" - Bayonetta
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