Re: Fallout 3: F.P.R Mod
I've had a deep look at this story and I think I've rooted out all the 'errors', though some of the things I have listed as errors are debatable.
For instance, each paragraph is one long sentence and contains several errors in tense which cause it to flow unusually; however, this seems to make the work flow faster, which could actually be an
advantage in a hentai story. It's annoying that you never mention Dogmeat's name in the story. It's understandable if you wanted to use the same dialogue with wild dogs or with other tame dogs (like the ones in little lamplight), but you said it was only for Dogmeat, so you could have at least mentioned his name.
'Errors' are marked using emphasis, with an underline for definite mistakes (spelling errors etc.), Italics for problems with the flow of the story(which as I mentioned earlier are not necessarily mistakes), and Bold for things that may be wrong but also have something good about them (unusual word choices or euphemisms):
"As you remove your clothes, the dog eyes you curiously, wagging his tail a little in excitement. Soon you find yourself standing, naked, before "Man's best friend", which seems even more excited than before, as you slowly get down onto your fours, calling out for your companion, he moves over to you, slightly pressing his wet nose against your exposed folds.
Underline: The first underline should be 'who', because you are talking about a pronoun (i.e. a character), whereas 'which' is used for nouns (i.e. objects).
It is important to note that the name of the person being mentioned does not need to be given. In the following example, "The Stallion" is a person's nickname, and 'who' is still used:
"But I don't want this to be over already!", she said to "The Stallion",
who replied "Never fear. Haven't you heard the rumours about me?" (+rep for anyone who gets the quote.) For this reason, "Man's Best Friend" should be considered a pronoun and 'who' should be used.
The second underline should be 'all fours' or 'your hands and knees'.
Italics (Remember, you might want to keep this anyway): the second sentence is very long. Your sentence currently goes "You are standing naked, the dog gets horny, as you drop to all fours calling him, he puts his nose in your folds." There are too many ideas in the one sentence, interrupting the flow. I'm having a lot of difficulty trying to find a good way to put this line as well, but I think I've managed it. Here are some ideas:
Soon, you find yourself standing, naked, before "Man's best friend", who seems even more excited than before. As you slowly get down onto your hands and knees, you call out for your companion. He moves over to you, slightly pressing his wet nose against your exposed folds.
Soon, you find yourself standing, naked, before "Man's best friend", who seems even more excited than before. You slowly get down onto all fours, calling out for your companion, who moves over to you and lightly presses his wet nose against your exposed folds.
(...)slightly pressing his wet nose against your exposed folds.
A shiver courses throughout your body, the dog then licks over your folds, it's warm, drooly tongue sends a pleasant sensation throughout your sex, you become a bit wetter, excited, as the dog continues to lick over your sex a few more times... Then he moves his head up a bit, and with a small hop, you feel his frontpaws place on your back, a few shuffling motions, and it's chest weights down on your back..."
Underline 1: You used the same euphemism twice without enough of a pause between the first and second mention, which interrupts the flow of the writing. Just change the second 'folds' to something else, and it should flow fine. Personally I like ‘womanhood’; it has a certain elegance to it.
Underline 2: You started a new paragraph one line too early - the first line of the second paragraph is about what happened at the end of the first paragraph, which makes the rest of the line confusing. The lines currently go 'I got on my knees, I called to him, he nudged my folds.' for the first paragraph's last sentence and 'I shivered in pleasure, then the dog licked me, and I felt pleasure' for the second paragraph's start. To fix it, put the first line of the second paragraph on the end of the first paragraph, i.e.
"He moves over to you, slightly pressing his wet nose against your exposed folds, causing a shiver throughout your body.
Bold 1: Drooly isn't a word, but I can't think of any other word that would properly describe the wetness of a dog's tongue as well as 'drooly', so it should stay unless you find a better word.
Bold 2: You use 'your sex' twice in a short period, but because of the way you do it (i.e. 'it licks your sex, then it licks your sex a few more times') it doesn't interrupt the flow as much, and can probably stay without lowering the quality of the work.
Bold 3: Your use of excited is unusual because it is unclear whether the 'a bit' before wetter is also supposed to apply to excited, and also because if you get wetter it means you were already wet, so the sentence can sound like 'your wet sex became wetter, and you just started getting aroused'. Still, the use of excited in this way is very good for the 'excitement' of you readers, and would probably make the flow worse if it were taken out.
Bold 4: 'frontpaws' should be 'front paws' or 'front-paws', but frontpaws gives a subtly different feeling than the other two and is not really 'wrong', as such.
Underline 3: use of 'your back' twice in close proximity. There aren’t quite that many other ways you can say this line, but I believe this example will do:
Then he moves his head up a bit, and with a small hop, you feel his frontpaws place on
your back, a few shuffling motions, and it's chest weights down on
you as well..."
Underline 4: 'Weights' should be 'weighs'
Italics: This paragraph is better sentence structure wise than the previous one, but can still be improved. If we assume that you change all the underlined content and none of the bold content, the paragraph currently looks like this:
The dog then licks over your womanhood, it's warm, drooly tongue sends a pleasant sensation throughout your sex, you become a bit wetter, excited, as the dog continues to lick over your sex a few more times... Then he moves his head up a bit, and with a small hop, you feel his frontpaws place on your back, a few shuffling motions, and it's chest weighs down on you as well..."
With the sentence structure fixed to the best of my ability, it looks like this:
The dog then licks over your womanhood, it's warm, drooly tongue sending a pleasant sensation throughout your sex; you become a bit wetter, excited, as the dog continues to lick over your sex a few more times... Then he moves his head up a bit, and with a small hop, you feel his frontpaws place on your back. After a few shuffling motions, it's chest weighs down on you as well..."
Your companion is resting on your back, his hot, ragged breath smoothly flows around your neck as he breathes in and out, he shuffles slightly, causing his chestfur to pleasantly stroke along your back, a warm, soothing, feeling is given... and then you feel it, the tip of the dogs cock presses against your wet, excited sex, causing you to emit a low moan, which seems to further excite the dog.
Underline 1: You already mentioned that the dog was on the player's back at the end of the previous message box. It currently goes 'the dog is lying on your back. The dog is lying on your back.' A short recap of the last action is fine; as long as you also give it it's own meaning. For instance, 'Your companion is resting on your back' becomes 'Your companion rests on your back'. The difference is that my version has new information, namely that the dog has begun to 'rest' (stop and wait) while the original simply said that the dog was 'resting' (i.e. lying down) on the girl, something we already knew.
Bold 1: 'chestfur' should be 'chest fur', or possibly 'chest-fur' - but 'chestfur' gives a subtly different feeling than the other two, as contracted words are more animalistic which is appropriate for a dog in heat.
Underline 2: "dogs" should be "dog's".
Italics: this paragraph is also very close to having good sentence structure, and there are several ways that it could be changed to better the flow; only one example is given below.
Your companion rests on your back; his hot, ragged breath is smoothly flowing around your neck as he breathes in and out. He shuffles slightly, causing his chestfur to pleasantly stroke along your back, a warm, soothing, feeling... and then you feel it; the tip of the dog's cock, pressing against your wet, excited sex! It causes you to emit a low moan, which seems to further excite the dog.
The dog steadies himself, and emits a low growl as he moves his muzzle, a small sting of pain is felt, as his teeth closes around your neck, holding you in place as he makes the first thrust... the dogs hot, thick length thrusts inside your wet, aching sex, and you moan out in pleasure, the dog growls, and slowly pulls out, only to thrust himself in again, causing you to emit a second loud moan... and then the dog is still for a moment..."
Underline 1: 'closes' should be 'close'
Underline 2: You used 'thrust' twice in quick succession. Changing one to something else will improve the flow - I'd go with changing 'thrusts inside' to 'penetrates'
Underline 3: "dogs" should be "dog's"
Bold 1: When you look in detail at the phrase 'moan out in pleasure', you realise that the out is unnecessary and doesn't really make sense. However, it does sound good, and sounding good may be more important than being correct in this case.
Italics:
The dog steadies himself, and emits a low growl as he moves his muzzle. A small sting of pain is felt as his teeth close around your neck, holding you in place as he makes the first thrust... the dog's hot, thick length penetrates your wet, aching sex; the dog growls, while you moan in sheer pleasure. Slowly, he pulls out, only to thrust himself in again, causing you to emit a second loud moan - and then the dog is still for a moment..."
"The dog is unmoving for a brief moment, and you soon realize why... near the base of his cock, his knot begins to swell, you writhe slightly as the thick length grows even thicker at that specific location, causing you to groan softly... as you're locked in place with your companion, whom shortly after the knotting is complete, makes another thrust into your warm, wet sex, a wet noise is heard as he impales you upon his cock, causing the dog to growl in pleasure, and you to groan in lusty need.
Underline 1: The sentence does not contain new information until the end of the sentence; everything here was in the last sentence of the previous message box and thusly destroys the flow. However, if you phrase it as follows you WILL be giving new information:
"You soon realise why the dog stopped moving." The new information (the fact that the player now knows why the dog stopped thrusting) is now given at the start of the sentence, making the line flow properly again.
Italics: This is a fairly good sentence, sentence structure wise. The improved version is below:
"You soon realise why the dog stopped moving; near the base of his cock, his knot begins to swell. You writhe slightly as the thick length grows even thicker at that specific location, causing you to groan softly as you're locked in place with your companion. Shortly after the knotting is complete, the dog makes another thrust into your warm, wet sex, which makes a wet noise as he impales you upon his cock, causing the dog to growl in pleasure, and you to groan in lusty need.
The dog begins to vigoriously thrust his cock in and out of your sex, each thrust sending a surge of pleasure throughout your sex, you writhe, moan and groan as your companion satisfy you both, but the more he thrusts, the rougher, deeper, each thrust goes into your sex, and the more pleasure you feel... the dogs hot, ragged breath flows around your neck, his teeth sinks slightly deeper into your skin, as if something is about to happen..."
Underline 1: 'vigoriously' should be 'vigorously'
Underline 2: thrust is used twice in quick succession; substitute a different word for one of them. I find substituting the first thrust with 'ram' works well.
Underline 3: 'your sex' is used twice in quick succession, and this use is more noticeable than that of 'thrust'. I'd change the second 'your sex' to 'your body'.
Underline 4: satisfy should be satisfies
Underline 5: "dogs" to "dog's", again
Underline 6: 'sinks' should be 'sink'.
Underline 7: This is not really important to the story; the dog's breath has already been mentioned very early on. However, if you change it to "The dog's hot, ragged breath begins to speed up," it will become relevant, as it now is a sign of Dogmeat's impending orgasm.
I think this is one of the most arousing parts, but it also seems to be one of the most error filled parts. It's like the writer was very distracted while writing this part, for some unfathomable reason. I must admit, I have also found myself becoming distracted while reading this section... >=)
Italics: This is another good one sentence structure wise (of course, it's not like any of them were actually bad in the first place - just not perfect, and more importantly, not as good as I could help you improve them to.)
The dog begins to vigorously ram his cock in and out of your sex, each thrust sending a surge of pleasure throughout your body. You writhe, moan and groan as your companion satisfies you both, but the more he thrusts, the rougher it is, the deeper each thrust goes into your sex - and the more pleasure you feel. The dog's hot, ragged breath begins to speed up, and his teeth sink slightly deeper into your skin, as if something is about to happen..."
"With a groaning growl, the dog let's go of your necks, and emits a low howl, while you yourself, almost do the same in response, you moan aloud in pleasure and carnal bliss, as the dog makes a deep, rough thrust into your aching sex... his cock throbs, his knot shrinks... and you feel it, a massive, warm, thick gush of the dogs seed, filling your sex, gushing into your womb, giving you a warm, pleasant sensation...
The dogs knot, now shrunk, allows him to slowly shuffle off your back, as you stand there on your fours, trying to catch your breath, he gives your wet, cum-stained folds a warm, drooly lick, causing further shivers to course throughout your body... it takes some time before you regain yourself, and get clothed, you scratch the dog behind the ears and smile at him before continuing your journeys."
Underline 1: 'let's' should be 'lets'
Underline 2: necks should be neck
Underline 3: it's DOG
'S!
'!
...
Bold 1: I think 'nice, warm' or something similar where the 'nice' part comes before the 'warm' would be a better choice, but that's just my opinion.
Underline 4:
(lol)
Underline 5: As before, the expression is 'all fours' or 'your hands and knees', not 'your fours'. Also, you said that you're
standing on your hands and knees, which isn't standing - but I don't think there's a better word for it.
Italics:
With a groaning growl, the dog lets go of your neck and emits a low howl, while you almost do the same in response. You moan aloud in pleasure and carnal bliss, as the dog makes a deep, rough thrust into your aching sex... his cock throbs, his knot shrinks... and you feel it, a massive, warm, thick gush of the dog's seed, filling your sex, gushing into your womb, giving you a warm, pleasant sensation...
The dog's knot, now shrunk, allows him to slowly shuffle off your back. As you stand there on all fours, trying to catch your breath, he gives your wet, cum-stained folds a warm, drooly lick, causing further shivers to course throughout your body... it takes some time before you regain yourself and get clothed. You scratch the dog behind the ears and smile at him, before continuing your journeys."
Okay, so the full version
without the changed sentence structure, only the spelling mistakes changed is:
"As you remove your clothes, the dog eyes you curiously, wagging his tail a little in excitement. Soon you find yourself standing, naked, before "Man's best friend", who seems even more excited than before, as you slowly get down onto your hands and knees, calling out for your companion, he moves over to you, slightly pressing his wet nose against your exposed folds, causing a shiver throughout your body.
The dog then licks over your womanhood, it's warm, drooly tongue sends a pleasant sensation throughout your sex, you become a bit wetter, excited, as the dog continues to lick over your sex a few more times... Then he moves his head up a bit, and with a small hop, you feel his frontpaws place on your back, a few shuffling motions, and it’s chest weighs down on you as well...
Your companion rests on your back, his hot, ragged breath smoothly flows around your neck as he breathes in and out, he shuffles slightly, causing his chestfur to pleasantly stroke along your back, a warm, soothing, feeling is given... and then you feel it, the tip of the dog's cock presses against your wet, excited sex, causing you to emit a low moan, which seems to further excite the dog.
The dog steadies himself, and emits a low growl as he moves his muzzle, a small sting of pain is felt, as his teeth close around your neck, holding you in place as he makes the first thrust... the dog's hot, thick length penetrates your wet, aching sex, and you moan out in pleasure, the dog growls, and slowly pulls out, only to thrust himself in again, causing you to emit a second loud moan... and then the dog is still for a moment...
You soon realise why the dog stopped moving... near the base of his cock, his knot begins to swell, you writhe slightly as the thick length grows even thicker at that specific location, causing you to groan softly... as you're locked in place with your companion, whom shortly after the knotting is complete, makes another thrust into your warm, wet sex, a wet noise is heard as he impales you upon his cock, causing the dog to growl in pleasure, and you to groan in lusty need.
The dog begins to vigorously ram his cock in and out of your sex, each thrust sending a surge of pleasure throughout your body, you writhe, moan and groan as your companion satisfies you both, but the more he thrusts, the rougher, deeper, each thrust goes into your sex, and the more pleasure you feel... the dog's hot, ragged breath begins to speed up, his teeth sink slightly deeper into your skin, as if something is about to happen...
With a groaning growl, the dog lets go of your neck, and emits a low howl, while you yourself, almost do the same in response, you moan aloud in pleasure and carnal bliss, as the dog makes a deep, rough thrust into your aching sex... his cock throbs, his knot shrinks... and you feel it, a massive, warm, thick gush of the dog's seed, filling your sex, gushing into your womb, giving you a warm, pleasant sensation...
The dog's knot, now shrunk, allows him to slowly shuffle off your back, as you stand there on all fours, trying to catch your breath, he gives your wet, cum-stained folds a warm, drooly lick, causing further shivers to course throughout your body... it takes some time before you regain yourself, and get clothed, you scratch the dog behind the ears and smile at him before continuing your journeys."
And the version with the changes sentence structure is:
Soon, you find yourself standing, naked, before "Man's best friend", who seems even more excited than before. You slowly get down onto all fours, calling out for your companion, who moves over to you and lightly presses his wet nose against your exposed folds, causing a shiver throughout your body.
The dog then licks over your womanhood, it's warm, drooly tongue sending a pleasant sensation throughout your sex; you become a bit wetter, excited, as the dog continues to lick over your sex a few more times... Then he moves his head up a bit, and with a small hop, you feel him place his frontpaws on your back. After a few shuffling motions, it’s chest weighs down on you as well...
Your companion rests on your back; his hot, ragged breath is smoothly flowing around your neck as he breathes in and out. He shuffles slightly, causing his chestfur to pleasantly stroke along your back, a warm, soothing, feeling... and then you feel it; the tip of the dog's cock, pressing against your wet, excited sex. It causes you to emit a low moan, which seems to further excite the dog.
The dog steadies himself, and emits a low growl as he moves his muzzle. A small sting of pain is felt as his teeth close around your neck, holding you in place as he makes the first thrust... the dog's hot, thick length penetrates your wet, aching sex; the dog growls, while you moan in sheer pleasure. Slowly, he pulls out, only to thrust himself in again, causing you to emit a second loud moan - and then the dog is still for a moment...
You soon realise why the dog stopped moving; near the base of his cock, his knot begins to swell. You writhe slightly as the thick length grows even thicker at that specific location, causing you to groan softly as you're locked in place with your companion. Shortly after the knotting is complete, the dog makes another thrust into your warm, wet sex, which makes a wet noise as he impales you upon his cock, causing the dog to growl in pleasure, and you to groan in lusty need.
The dog begins to vigorously ram his cock in and out of your sex, each thrust sending a surge of pleasure throughout your body. You writhe, moan and groan as your companion satisfies you both, but the more he thrusts, the rougher it is, the deeper each thrust goes into your sex - and the more pleasure you feel. The dog's hot, ragged breath begins to speed up, and his teeth sink slightly deeper into your skin, as if something is about to happen...
With a groaning growl, the dog lets go of your neck and emits a low howl, while you almost do the same in response. You moan aloud in pleasure and carnal bliss, as the dog makes a deep, rough thrust into your aching sex... his cock throbs, his knot shrinks... and you feel it, a massive, warm, thick gush of the dog's seed, filling your sex, gushing into your womb, giving you a warm, pleasant sensation...
The dog's knot, now shrunk, allows him to slowly shuffle off your back. As you stand there on all fours, trying to catch your breath, he gives your wet, cum-stained folds a warm, drooly lick, causing further shivers to course throughout your body... it takes some time before you regain yourself and get clothed. You scratch the dog behind the ears and smile at him, before continuing your journeys.
It's worth mentioning that I am
not doing this because I think your work sucks. If I thought your work sucked, then I'd also think that trying to make you improve it would be a waste of time. You're good at this - the first time I read it I didn't notice the mistakes, the erotic content of the writing was simply too good! (In fact, you're better than me, especially when it comes to hentai writing; editing someone else's script is easy, actually writing it from scratch is the hard part.)
Alright, I'm thoroughly knackered. 4,200~ words... Of course, not all of them are mine, but still, a crapton is a crapton, no matter who owns it.
Edit: For great spelling!
