Re: So i just took a massive dump...
Hmm. I've had #2s that have taken annoyingly long times on rare occasions, but never anything even close to hurting, let alone screaming crying or smashing levels of pain. Though, if you want to be certain with your "now I know anal" theory, technically shouldn't you have to put it back in and repeat a few dozen times?
I have had the opposite before though. Once after a day or two of nasty stomach aches, I had a load of pressure building up, in what felt like a large one. Turned out to be more akin to an explosive torrent of hot coffee. Literally, the consistency of coffee. Done in less than a second. Was rather shocking, but not quite the ordeal you apparently had. Very very glad I didn't delay going to the toilet at all. Would have needed new socks.
Nice thread by the way.