My chest - I'm clearing it.

[Megamickel]

Because this is one of the few places where I do feel like I can talk without being judged, and because I'm safe enough behind my computer screen... I need to say some things. Things that have been with me for a long time. Whether anyone deigns to read or reply to them is their own prerogative.

First, dreams. We all have them... but what of the ones that stick with us?
Lately I've been having dreams of a female from high school (only a few months previous). Not unusual for a young man my age, I know, but these are... different. I've never felt anything other than pure sexual attraction for a member of the opposite sex before, and yet I can tell that this is different. It's been a series of dreams... the first one involved us being in class, and I was helping her with an assignment. Nothing out of the ordinary, I can remember it actually happening several times, so dreaming about it wouldn't seem odd. But then the next night, it was about a time that I helped her when she had a flat tire. This didn't ever happen, but I figured the translation between helping in class and helping in the real world simply took place in my imagination. Except last night, I dreamed another one. And this time, we were doing some kind of performance, but a fight broke out. She ended up getting kicked or something, all that really mattered was that she received a compound fracture on her foot. I fought my way through three guys half my size to drag her out of there and get her backstage where I held her hand until the EMTs showed up, and then I woke up. Being a boy of very little brains, I don't know what to make of all this. I rarely remember dreams, but to remember three in a row, and for them all to be this similar... well, I guess it's natural. She was one of very few people who I'd call my friend. In truth, she prevented my suicide at one point. But I don't know.

Another thing I've been keeping to myself is my bitter hatred of humanity. I've seriously lost all faith that there are good people in the world. Good people are only good when they have something to gain or they think someone's watching. No one really cares about his "fellow man" or any of that bullshit. Watching the way people are... well, a part of me, deep within myself, has died. I find myself doubting what was once certain, and being certain of what was once impossible. The God I had come to know and love now seems so cold... "Why have you abandoned us forever, O God?"

That's it... for now. I'll have more to edit in later, I'm sure. But I do feel better now. Getting it off my chest gives me this sense of relief.

 

[Nunu]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

I have a quip but I'm staying my tongue due to respect of your actual tribulations.

unfortunately i have no words of advice though.

 

[ZeroSpace]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

Maybe you feel that way cause you want to help her back for helping you keep off the suicide, so your dreams are basically ways of your sub conscience imagined that you can help her. But anyways... I disagree with you strongly on the matter of humanity, I am not saying you can't hate humanity, for you are right that some people are like that, but the part of you that 'died' isn't really dead, its just hoping for someone that can 'revive' it. I think there are people out there, like me, that belives in humanity, that thinks that all we really want in life... is someone that you can call a friend.
Crap, thinking too much. But anyways, we might not be right next to you, but we are still your friend rite? The fact that you told us this proves that. So don't think too much about life and just live it.
Oh, and if you feel like I am judging you or annoying you please tell, so I can say sorry.

 

[maikochan]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

Not much from me here, but some of my thoughts on your chest-clearings.

As to the first, I can't honestly say much. I have my own problems with dreams and the L word. The only thing I'll say is that I think only you can really interpret those dreams.

For the second, I would seriously like to disagree. Certainly humanity, what we mostly see of it, is so much crap that most of us would just turn away at the sight, and it only gets worse the deeper you dig. Yet, in all of that, there's always some exceptions. Some people who actually do care about others. I could talk about the various aid workers who risk their lives to help people in dangerous areas, or people like Gandhi or Nelson Mandella, who've willingly endangered their lives for others. But you could get that anywhere, instead I'm just going to talk about my views.

Now, I've been shit on a whole lot in my 20+ years on this planet, and I've also gained a small amount of dislike for the human race. But to say that no one cares about 'their fellow man' or acts good, just to be good, I disagree. I think everyone has some amount of good will in them, even if it is overshadowed by their assholery. Like yin and yang, everyone is capable of good and evil (to use the terms loosly), just some more than others, and yes, it does seem as though the assholes have won. But the fact that this forum exists at all, I think, is a testament that some good lies still in the hearts of humanity, perverted though it may be. Aika, Nunu, and everyone else who takes part of this community is taking time out from their own life to, essentially, make other people happy. Whether by posting a link to a hentai movie, or just commenting on it, what do you really stand to gain? Like you say, behind the internet we're all anonymous. If you do someone a good turn here, and then later meet up with them outside the internet, without knowing it, you would have no gain.

One last thing before I go hide from the sun, if humans don't care for eachother, how in the world are we still propagating? Raising a child takes a great deal of love and caring, something I hope to do at some point, if just to contribute my little bit to the human race.

 

[Newbie]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

Possibly the worst thing you could do right now is ask someone to interpret your dream, as no symbol has a true standard meaning. This is something best sorted out yourself. That's not to say others can't help, but they won't be able to figure out the significance of anything without knowing your history and a little bit about you. Then again, this seemed like a very straight forward dream.

I will gladly admit that I'm a selfish dick, but I am the most courteous selfish dick you will ever meet. The thing is, I don't know if I''ll ever need you or your help. So I stand by you, laugh at your jokes, help with your problems, on the assumption that you will do the same for me at some point if you are able. It's in my best interests to see humanity prosper and peace on earth, as it will raise the quality of living and lower all around stress. The bad ones are the stupid selfish dicks who think only of the present and have their head so far up their ass they need a glass navel to see.

 

[xivvix]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

I don't believe you really hate all of humanity. After all, if you did, you wouldn't be on here talking to us about it. Sounds to me more like you have a hatred of mainstream society (i.e. the things you see real people do on the street or on TV and read about in newspapers, blogs, etc). I can relate to that, as I went through something like that a while back. Something you'll learn is that for the most part, that's not what people are really like. Most people, when you get to know them, are nice people just trying to live their lives.

To expand on what Zerospace offered about your dream, I think it could also mean that your friend has some kind of problem that subconsciously you recognize and want to help out with, but your conscious mind is rationalizing away as no big deal. But Newbie is right, we can't really interpret your dreams for you, they are something that's totally unique to you.

(can this post count as my forum christmas project? )

 

[Tassadar]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

As to your first problem, don't beat yourself up over it. There really isn't anything wrong with having feelings for someone or dreams about them. Worrying about it constantly is only going to make you pissed off like me, because it's exactly what did. Corny as it sounds, the best thing you can really do is follow your heart, and be there for this person if and when she needs someone. Being afraid of love isn't going to get you anywhere. Assuming you love this girl, of course. Which I strongly believe you do.

Humanity has earner your hatred. People are week, stupid, selfish, cowardly, and take out their pain on each other because they don't know how else to deal with it. Many people are just as you describe them, I know this because one whom I know pretends to be a hero, but is really just a foul manipulative asshole that makes people love him so he can take advantage of them. C'est la vie. The only thing you can do is try to find a few people that aren't scum to you, and try not to do what you see to others. Thinking about the big picture in this matter is only going to make you angry.
Religion I'm not touching in this one, what you believe is up to you.

 

[aika]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

I agree with you on one level that people only do things for personal gain.

But then again, I think it's impossible to do a truly selfless act.

At the very least you are doing it because you think it's the right thing and therefore you will feel good about yourself.

Any action I do, at some level there will be something in it for me. Otherwise there would be no point doing it.

That's no reason however to hate humanity. If you're going to hate everything that isn't selfless then you have to hate every living thing ever. And that's just a bit silly.



Oh, and as for the dreams, all I can say from over here is that it sounds like you really care for this girl.

 

[Treebeard]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

From what you're dreaming about, it sounds like you've got a rather strong connection to this girl. Whether it is a strong feeling of love or whether it is a strong feeling of trust/friendship. I'd find out if she felt the same way, and then if it doesn't work out, then you still have that strong feeling of trust or friendship.

I myself believe that chivalry is mostly, or completely, dead. I will give help when I see someone in need, but that stems a lot from how I was raised. I think that Humanity, as a whole, has become complacent. We need something life-threatening nowadays to rouse us into action. Otherwise, we're just satisfied to sit back and watch everything. I personally think there should be a pandemic. Something that doesn't kill, but sterilizes 90% of the human race. Now THAT would be a wake up call that we need.

And I personally hate the people who conform. Those who think that beauty is what they see on the fronts of fashion magazines.

 

[dmronny]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

As to the dream, I hate to beat a dead horse, but you're the only one who can know what it really means. Maybe, you're feeling depressed lately made you think of her since she was with you when you were depressed before. Maybe you just miss her. Who really knows.
As to hating humanity I can't blame you. In fact I'm more than likely to agree with you. I've seen probably the worst that mankind has to offer, I won't give any details. Most of you probably know what I mean anyways. I can't say there is nothing good about humanity, but there isn't much good that I have seen. Hopefully everything turns out fine for you, and may you have a happy Thanksgiving.

 

[lurker]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

I myself believe that chivalry is mostly, or completely, dead. I will give help when I see someone in need, but that stems a lot from how I was raised. I think that Humanity, as a whole, has become complacent. We need something life-threatening nowadays to rouse us into action. Otherwise, we're just satisfied to sit back and watch everything. I personally think there should be a pandemic. Something that doesn't kill, but sterilizes 90% of the human race. Now THAT would be a wake up call that we need.

I daresay that may be a little drastic, but I agree that the game of life has degenerated to a game of roadrage. But I personally was insulted, as I still use curtosy when I'm out and about.

[sarcasticjoke]SO SHUT UP, FOOL! OR I COME TO YO CRIB AND SHANK YA![/sarcasticjoke]

 

[Megamickel]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

And this is why I choose to be here. Ah, well, interestingly enough I am depressed. Hell, I could probably get medicine for it, but that would require money, and I'm already way too far in debt to worry about things like that, since it won't kill me. I know things like medicare are available, but my damned pride won't let me accept it.

Regardless, I'm extremely grateful for y'all helping me.

 

[dmronny]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

Glad to hear we helped. Better not to take those medicines anyways in my experience they more often than not worsen things rather than help.

 

[Nunu]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

I agree with you on one level that people only do things for personal gain.

But then again, I think it's impossible to do a truly selfless act.

At the very least you are doing it because you think it's the right thing and therefore you will feel good about yourself.

Any action I do, at some level there will be something in it for me. Otherwise there would be no point doing it.

That's no reason however to hate humanity. If you're going to hate everything that isn't selfless then you have to hate every living thing ever. And that's just a bit silly.

Yeah I'm just like you aika, the whole reason I shot for admin is because I'm actually crazy insecure and this gives me the opportunity to monitor everything that happens here (except pms but I'm working on that, but not really, or am i?). Being in a position of power helps me reaffirm my self worth.

I contribute because it makes me feel good to receive praise and adoration. I am kind to friends so that i may continue to receive praise and adoration. I have a moral code because it allows me to feel righteous about things i don't want to do. I somtimes live by osmosis, picking up whatever emotions are around me so i have to make people happy otherwise i can't be happy.

my reasons for being who i am are entirely self centered and there is nothing wrong with that because i have the foresight to acknowledge that it is in my interest to contribute and maintain friendships.

 

[Lumarin]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

Yeah I'm just like you aika, the whole reason I shot for admin is because I'm actually crazy insecure and this gives me the opportunity to monitor everything that happens here (except pms but I'm working on that, but not really, or am i?). Being in a position of power helps me reaffirm my self worth.

I contribute because it makes me feel good to receive praise and adoration. I am kind to friends so that i may continue to receive praise and adoration. I have a moral code because it allows me to feel righteous about things i don't want to do. I somtimes live by osmosis, picking up whatever emotions are around me so i have to make people happy otherwise i can't be happy.

my reasons for being who i am are entirely self centered and there is nothing wrong with that because i have the foresight to acknowledge that it is in my interest to contribute and maintain friendships.

This.

 

[Chibichibi]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

I agree with you on one level that people only do things for personal gain.

But then again, I think it's impossible to do a truly selfless act.

At the very least you are doing it because you think it's the right thing and therefore you will feel good about yourself.

Any action I do, at some level there will be something in it for me. Otherwise there would be no point doing it.

That's no reason however to hate humanity. If you're going to hate everything that isn't selfless then you have to hate every living thing ever. And that's just a bit silly.



Oh, and as for the dreams, all I can say from over here is that it sounds like you really care for this girl.

I really have to agree. I know I'm not selfless, i help people because it gives me warm fuzzies and it hurts me to see someone hurt. Though i try to be as selfless as i can.

*hugs Mega* You irritate me sometimes but I still love you! Faith is just that, faith. Even if things are really bad that doesn't mean that God (meaning whatever higher diety) isn't there. A TSO quote says:
"Now there are many places on this Earth
That one thinks that God has forgot
But one can often find an angel or a saint
Where one assumes angels and saints are not.”

And I really believe that. It's not abandonment, any more than a Father pushes his child into the world, only standing as a silent witness. Have you read the poem "Footprints"?

 

[ToxicShock]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

*will have to check after break*

 

[Gatorbait]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

This might be a little off base with the dream things, but I have been dabbling in lucid dreaming over the past few months and though I have yet to have one, I believe just the process really helps you make more sense of your dreams. If you have the patience and the ability to remember your dreams (second one seems pretty true) you might want to try it out.

You must be registered to see the links

As far as humanity, yea they pretty much suck, but like a bunch of people have said, there still is good out there.

 

[Kusanagi]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

As far as your dreams go, I really dunno. I'm saying it's you wanting to repay her for helping you out. Who knows, perhaps you could get somewhere with her if you go for it, maybe even marriage & kids.

I'm just going off what you said, though, so like I said, I dunno. All I know is if you like her, go for it. Nothing risked, nothing gained.


Yes, humans are greedy, self-centered, narcissistic assholes, but it's in our nature. We don't help others without getting something in return, but it's what we want in return that separates the decent humans from the nasty ones.

Take me, for example. I'm not about to abandon someone in need, because I feel it's the right thing to do. And I like doing what's right, because it makes me feel good.

Then there are the assholes. They'll do for money or favors what I'd more than likely do for free to help you.

Do not hate humans. Take pity on them, for theirs is a hard lot already.

 

[ToxicShock]

Re: My chest - I'm clearing it.

Again, I can only be on the computer for like 3 minutes at a time so this may seem a little forward considering I haven't actually read your post but it seems like people are talking about dreams, and if you're talking actual dreams when you're sleeping and not just conscious hopes and ideals, then take it from me when I say they mean absolute shit don't worry about anything your dreams say. It's been pretty much completely disregarded from all of psychology and don't take anyone serious as a professional if they ask to analyze your dreams with you.
I hope that helped and that I wasn't being assumptive, I will get back to you.