Megamickel
Lurker
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2008
- Messages
- 244
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- 12
Because this is one of the few places where I do feel like I can talk without being judged, and because I'm safe enough behind my computer screen... I need to say some things. Things that have been with me for a long time. Whether anyone deigns to read or reply to them is their own prerogative.
First, dreams. We all have them... but what of the ones that stick with us?
Lately I've been having dreams of a female from high school (only a few months previous). Not unusual for a young man my age, I know, but these are... different. I've never felt anything other than pure sexual attraction for a member of the opposite sex before, and yet I can tell that this is different. It's been a series of dreams... the first one involved us being in class, and I was helping her with an assignment. Nothing out of the ordinary, I can remember it actually happening several times, so dreaming about it wouldn't seem odd. But then the next night, it was about a time that I helped her when she had a flat tire. This didn't ever happen, but I figured the translation between helping in class and helping in the real world simply took place in my imagination. Except last night, I dreamed another one. And this time, we were doing some kind of performance, but a fight broke out. She ended up getting kicked or something, all that really mattered was that she received a compound fracture on her foot. I fought my way through three guys half my size to drag her out of there and get her backstage where I held her hand until the EMTs showed up, and then I woke up. Being a boy of very little brains, I don't know what to make of all this. I rarely remember dreams, but to remember three in a row, and for them all to be this similar... well, I guess it's natural. She was one of very few people who I'd call my friend. In truth, she prevented my suicide at one point. But I don't know.
Another thing I've been keeping to myself is my bitter hatred of humanity. I've seriously lost all faith that there are good people in the world. Good people are only good when they have something to gain or they think someone's watching. No one really cares about his "fellow man" or any of that bullshit. Watching the way people are... well, a part of me, deep within myself, has died. I find myself doubting what was once certain, and being certain of what was once impossible. The God I had come to know and love now seems so cold... "Why have you abandoned us forever, O God?"
That's it... for now. I'll have more to edit in later, I'm sure. But I do feel better now. Getting it off my chest gives me this sense of relief.
First, dreams. We all have them... but what of the ones that stick with us?
Lately I've been having dreams of a female from high school (only a few months previous). Not unusual for a young man my age, I know, but these are... different. I've never felt anything other than pure sexual attraction for a member of the opposite sex before, and yet I can tell that this is different. It's been a series of dreams... the first one involved us being in class, and I was helping her with an assignment. Nothing out of the ordinary, I can remember it actually happening several times, so dreaming about it wouldn't seem odd. But then the next night, it was about a time that I helped her when she had a flat tire. This didn't ever happen, but I figured the translation between helping in class and helping in the real world simply took place in my imagination. Except last night, I dreamed another one. And this time, we were doing some kind of performance, but a fight broke out. She ended up getting kicked or something, all that really mattered was that she received a compound fracture on her foot. I fought my way through three guys half my size to drag her out of there and get her backstage where I held her hand until the EMTs showed up, and then I woke up. Being a boy of very little brains, I don't know what to make of all this. I rarely remember dreams, but to remember three in a row, and for them all to be this similar... well, I guess it's natural. She was one of very few people who I'd call my friend. In truth, she prevented my suicide at one point. But I don't know.
Another thing I've been keeping to myself is my bitter hatred of humanity. I've seriously lost all faith that there are good people in the world. Good people are only good when they have something to gain or they think someone's watching. No one really cares about his "fellow man" or any of that bullshit. Watching the way people are... well, a part of me, deep within myself, has died. I find myself doubting what was once certain, and being certain of what was once impossible. The God I had come to know and love now seems so cold... "Why have you abandoned us forever, O God?"
That's it... for now. I'll have more to edit in later, I'm sure. But I do feel better now. Getting it off my chest gives me this sense of relief.